The (not so) private pages of my life

Season of loneliness

2012-01-08T07:44:00.001+08:00

风吹落最后一片叶　
feng chui luo zui hou yi pian ye
The wind blew down the last leaf
我的心也飘着雪
Wo de xin ye piao zhe xue
And my heart is snowing.

爱只能往回忆里堆叠　
ai zhi neng wang hui yi li dui die
Love can only return to the start and begin again
oh~　给下个季节
oh~ gei xia ge ji jie
OH~ for the next season.

忽然间树梢冒花蕊　
hu ran jian shu shao mao hua rui
Suddenly a seedling sprouts
我怎么会都没有感觉?
wo zen mo hui dou mei you gan jue?
How could I have not felt it?

oh~　整条街　都是恋爱的人　
oh~ zhen tiao jie dou shi lian ai de ren
OH~ the streets are filled with lovers
我独自走在暖风的夜
wo du zi sou zai nuan feng de ye
I walk in this warmth alone.

多想要向过去告别
duo xiang yao xiang guo qu gao bie
I really want to go over and end it.
当季节不停更迭　oh~
dang ji jie bu ting geng die
But the seasons keep continuing.

oh~ 却还是少一点坚决　
oh~ que hai shi shao yi dian jian jue
OH~ Acutally I still lack some will power
在这寂寞的季节
zai zhe ji mo de ji jie
In this season of loneliness

艳阳高照在那海边　
yan yang gao zhao zai na hai bian
There's a brightness near the shoreline
爱情盛开的世界
ai qing sheng kai de shi jie
that was opened up by Love.

远远看着热闹一切　
yuan yuan kan zhe re nao yi qie
From afar I watch this warmth
oh~　我记得那狂烈
oh~ wo ji da na kuang lie
OH~ I still remember that wild love

窗外是快枯黄的叶　
chuang wai shi kuai ku huang de ye
Outside the window is a withered leaf
感伤在心中有一些　oh~
gan shang zai xin zhong you yi xie oh~
I feel my wounds still have some OH~

我了解　那些爱过的人　
wo liao jie na xie ai guo de ren
I understand those that have loved before
心是如何慢慢在凋谢
xin shi ru he man man zai diao xie
of how the heart withers and falls

多想要向过去告别　
duo xian yao xiang guo qu gao bie
I really want to go over and end it
当季节不停更迭　oh~
dang ji jie bu ting geng die oh~
Bu the seasons keep continuing OH~

却还是少一点坚决　
que hai shi shao yo dian jian jue
Acutally, I still lack some will power
在这寂寞的季节
zai she ji mo de ji jie
In this season of loneliness

又走过风吹的冷冽　
you zou guo feng chui de leng jie
Another stormy season of loneliness
最后一盏灯熄灭
zui hou yi zhan deng xi mie
the last light of hope has extinguished.

从回忆我慢慢穿越　
cong hui yi wo man man chuan yue
From now on, I will slowly make my way through
在这寂寞的季节
zai zhe ji moe de ji jie
this season of loneliness

还是寂寞的季节　
hai shi ji mo de ji jie
Still this Season of Loneliness.
一样寂寞的季节
yi yang ji mo de ji jie
The same Season of Loneliness.

World in Union

2011-09-26T03:33:00.000+08:00

Summer reads and watch

2011-08-27T03:41:00.002+08:00

This summer I have read -

1. Falling Star (Diana Dempsey)

2. The Secret Mandarin (Sara Sheridan)

3. One Day (David Nicholls)

4. The One You Love (Paul Pilkington)

I have watched -

1. The Notebook (again, in Copenhagen in the hotel)

2. New York, I love you (in Oxford.. DVD rental)

3. The Rising of the Planets of the Apes

4. One Day

5. The Duchess (BBC iPlayer)

Resolutions

2011-08-23T21:19:00.001+08:00

.. before deciding that life was already complicated enough. She made a firm resolution, one of the resolutions she was making almost daily these days. No more sleepovers, no more writing poetry, no more wasting time. Time to tidy up your life. Time to start again. - One Day

Movies this week

2011-08-22T05:03:00.002+08:00

These are the movies I watched this week

Hmm.. so totally no comprehendo for this New York, I Love You. It is a movie consisting of 11 short stories (!?!) so it is kinda a movie anthology which I don't quite get most of the meanings??

In the cinemas, I watched Rising of The Planet of Apes. Hmmm quite interesting how technology does to cinematography.

Apparently

Kindle

2011-08-15T03:22:00.002+08:00

I got a Kindle not long ago. It wasn't a brand new item but as good as new - preloaded with books. Alright - it was not perfect. There was a scratch on the screen but that was my fault - I flung it off someone's hands once. Could you blame the Kindle or the giver? Of course not!

Excited with this new gadget (mind you, Lynn would never pay GBP111 for this toy!), I bought a new cover for it. Being the most cheapskate person (to myself) on earth, I randomly got a red one with a felt-ish inner lining. I housed the Kindle in there for weeks while I was busy going around like a lunatic preparing for my penultimate year exams.

After my exams, when a couple of friends were over at mine drinking cider, I showed off the Kindle (because one of them mentioned that you could go on Facebook on Kindle!). We took it out and lo' and behold - I found the back all stained with the felt-ish material from the lining. I was devastated. I attempted cleaning with wet wipes, dry wipes and whatever you could think of - I was crushed. The stained would not go. The excessive cleaning made matters worse. My Kindle is now permanently damaged. I was so disappointed and blamed myself for buying a cheapo material to house it. I felt so uneasy because the original owner must be thinking what an ungrateful and reckless person I am. I probably am one. I could not undo the damage I have done. Every time, I take out the Kindle, I would feel in such distraught. Not only the scratch on the screen reminded me of how I tossed the Kindle off in such trajectory which probably would have worked perfect on an Angry Bird game, but the back and sides have such vandalised demeanor to it that I feel ashamed. Didn't help when I see other people on the tube holding their Kindles which are in good shape. My bad shaped one is just awful.

I know I do not deserve to be forgiven over such irresponsibility.

Two years ago

2011-08-10T05:26:00.003+08:00

Two years ago around this time, I was in the heaviest of my heart to leave home for the land I've been dreaming to step foot on, the land who conquered so many lands that they once said the sun never sets in the British empire.

And yes, that is London I am talkin about. Who would have thought two years later, this London became such a havoc after all these riot going on. But we shall save that for another day.

I was heavy-hearted because I thought I had fell. It was a confusing time of my life. I was afraid because all my experiences of falling for someone had all eventually led to heart brokenness. I was scared history would repeat itself.

You see - I am a predictable pattern. Go near me, and I will get irritated. So irritated because I probably sense that you fancy me. I get so repellent towards almost all the guy who showed some interest. I can sense it - call it a female's intuition. Anyway, I recognised this trend in me so I feared. Oddly, I started finding this one getting close to me yet myself looking forward to the chats we had. The middle of night calls. Little did I realised, I was having premature ventricular ectopics. Flutter. Whatever. My cardiology sucks but still.....

I told myself. If this was mutual, this is it. No more playing games. Once and for all.

But on the other side, I was being realistic. Back to to my heavy hearted tale. I was heavy hearted to come to this great metropolitan city because I knew I had to face this for real. No running away and hide behind online chats. I knew disappointment would ensue. I knew it because I didn't have the looks nor personality. Stupid hormones. Whatever reasons my heart when into flutter rhythm and cardiomegaly (read: heavy hearted), life still had to go on.

I touched down Heathrow Airport 14 August 2009. The very next day, I faced my greatest nightmare. Haha. You can guess. I shan't even say. The day I dreaded the most. But I think I handled it alright. I came back walking along Garratt Lane with a conclusion - it will never happen. I was right over and over throughout my two years here since. I was emotionally muddled up for as long as I could remember. The amount of analysis that went through my head and personal journal could amount up to a thesis possibly justifiable for a PhD.

The years have gone by. I though hitting 25 this year meant I knew what I would do with my life. I still find myself allowing to believe with my defective heart (arrhythmia + cardiomegaly!) that maybe there was a flicker of hope, even though the brain clearly knew there was none. I allowed myself to live in a whirlwind turmoil for two years. Some say it was a result of a million mixed signals. I think it was all my own fault for allowing myself to behave and think the way I did.

Wise counsels left right centre tell me he hasn't got the slightest interest in me. Even a fool can tell that. How evident it is when we hang out in a group. I am always the one feeling left out. But then I justified - that's always the case anyway. Whether it is him. Or other people. Everytime I think of him, I died a little. I started dying the day we met. I knew I was doomed. There won't be any chance.

Only after two years of of my great prime years gone down the drain because I chose to think of him as dearly as family, I am left thinking.. this is not it. It will never be it. I needed a closure. I really needed it. I attempted. By sending a Christmas card to him on his birthday. I never got a reply until a month later.

I want to say my goodbye. I cannot always treat you like family because one day, you will have your own and I would be left alone. ~~How could I even feel the slightest hop every time we talk yet at the very same moment you were thinking of f***ing her. And I could truly testify the give free but no one wants theory with you.~~

How many more hearts should be broken before I meet the one?

So true when they say we don't choose who we fall in love with. I wish I had chosen. But no, we don't choose. That makes matters so much more complicated.

I can choose to be bitter. But I want to thank you. Because. Because I would, if you do. And you didn't. So, thank you.

No strings attached

2011-08-09T06:45:00.002+08:00

Hmmm.. watched another movie. Kinda a waste of my time because it is everything against my very core values..

One line I did remember though..

"We don't choose we fall in love with".

And I think that is true. We don't choose. If only I could choose. Then life would be so much simpler.

When

2011-08-09T04:08:00.002+08:00

My official blog is down. And I have been wanting to write something. Hence, here.

I am a broken girl. The past week had been a turmoil for me. I have been thinking and reflecting. I have been filled with a lot of bitterness and fury. I am angry at myself most of the time. I am bitter. I am tired of having to think and reflect and analyse to come to a conclusion time and time again. I hate the fact that I cannot be honest to confront because I have a code of confidentiality to keep. I get plain irritated when people tell me things that I obviously never had the privilege to have.

So I cry. I cry because tears make me feel temporarily numb. I cry when I think of the times I have been 'cheated'. The times when I did think at least there was a slight hope. I cry thinking that the person I really care about isn't even interested in getting to know me. Does that not spell f-a-m-i-l-i-a-r. I cry because I know I am stupid enough to allow things to happen when I should have stopped long ago. I cry because I feel the sting when I look from the sideline seeing others get attention and I don't because no one is interested in a plain girl like me. Not to mention, someone who constantly battles with her weight problem.

They say what you don't know won't hurt you. Then how about know the truth and it shall set you free?

I am torn. I am very broken.

I never asked for anything. Yet, I have to be crushed this way. It is unfair. So unfair.

Horrible love

2011-06-09T03:26:00.000+08:00

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
— Neil Gaiman (The Kindly Ones)

Something borrowed

2011-05-26T05:55:00.002+08:00

Watched this chick flick at the Empire cinemas in Leceister Square (whhheeeee! I can tell people I go to the movies at Leceister Square!) today.

This movie made me think that some guys are just too coward. The main character, Rachel is someone who has obviously been fancying her coursemate Dex since law school. But being a girl like all decent girls, she never made the first move. Her best friend Darcy ended up making advances towards Dex and they ended up together.

Where does this leave Rachel? She has to painfully be happy for her best friend and the guy she loves for many years. It is silly because when she accidentally slept with him on the night of her 30th birthday, she started having this so-called 'affair' with him. He still didn't confront his then fiance Darcy, and did nothing about it. Rachel kept giving in.. being strung along, waiting for him to act, knowing he won't.

How pathetic.

I was discussing with my bestie about the movie after we watched it. She said somehow they would get together but just after 32910382190 complications in between, because they mutually liked each other. I felt sad because mutuality never existed in my world. And I still like to pretend I have been almost like Rachel. Or at least I believe I had. Oh well.

Have you ever gone down a road, far down and wondered, maybe it wasn't what you want?

Most important decision... awww...

2011-05-14T07:46:00.000+08:00

I often think I should not have found
No one like you have been so good to me
Taking good care of my family well being
My friends have speak good words about you
You still have a bunch of bad habits
Stubborn until the fairies keep hopping
But life have too little perfect things
We cannot ask for everything that we want
You are my most important decision
I am willing to wake up every day in your side
Even the fight between us are so enjoyable
Because true love is do not have win and lose
I am willing to break the fear of the unknown
Even if tears drop could relax
Do remember to care for each other’s feelings
Because there is no shortcut to happiness
The only way is to build and maintain

My dearest

2011-05-12T23:32:00.000+08:00

很想知道你近況
我聽人説還不如你對我講
經過那段遺憾
請你放心　我變得更加堅強
世界不管怎樣荒涼
愛過你就不怕孤單
我最親愛的　你過的怎麼樣
沒我的日子　你別來無恙
依然親愛的　我沒讓你失望
讓我親一親　像過去一樣
我想你一定喜歡
現在的我學會了你最愛的開朗
想起你的模樣
有什麼錯
還不能夠被原諒
世界不管怎樣荒涼
愛過你就不怕孤單
我最親愛的　你過的怎麼樣
沒我的日子　你別來無恙
依然親愛的　我沒讓你失望
讓我親一親　像朋友一樣
雖然離開了你的時間
比一起還漫長
我們總能補償
因為中間空白的時光
如果還能分享
也是一種浪漫
關係雖然不再一樣
關心卻怎麼能說斷就斷
我最親愛的　你過的怎麼樣
沒我的日子　你別來無恙
依然親愛的　我沒讓你失望
讓我親一親　像親人一樣
我最親愛的　你過的怎麼樣
沒我的日子　你別來無恙
依然親愛的　我沒讓你失望
讓我親一親　像過去一樣

Really want to know how you’re doing
Hearing from others isn’t the same as hearing from you
Having lived through our regrets
Please don’t worry, I will be stronger
No matter how cold the world turns
I’m not afraid of loneliness after loving you
My dearest, how have you been?
The days without me, are you still the same?
Still my dearest, I haven’t let you down
Let me kiss you, in a way we used to
I’m guessing that you must like
how I learned to be optimistic in the way you love most
I’m thinking about you
What mistake
cannot be forgiven?
No matter how cold the world turns
I’m not afraid of loneliness after loving you
My dearest, how have you been?
The days without me, are you still the same?
Still my dearest, I haven’t let you down
Let me kiss you, in a way friends do
Even though the time we’ve been apart
is longer than when we’ve been together
We can always compensate
Because in the time between
If we can have that in common
It’s still romantic in a way
Even though our relationship is not the same
How can we turn off our care like an on-off switch?
My dearest, how have you been?
The days without me, are you still the same?
Still my dearest, I haven’t let you down
Let me kiss you, in a way families do
My dearest, how have you been?
The days without me, are you still the same?
Still my dearest, I haven’t let you down
Let me kiss you, in a way we used to

Say what you want, say what you want I don't care anymore

2011-05-08T06:52:00.000+08:00

I used to try all the simple things to love you
我曾試著用所有的簡單的方式去愛你
I used to try all the simple things to please you
我曾試著用所有的簡單的方式去求你
And I don't believe, and I don't believe that you're gone
而我不相信，我不相信你已遠去
And I don't believe, and I don't believe that you're here
且我不相信，我不相信你還在這裡

Say what you want, say what you want I don't care anymore
說你想說的，說你想要的我已經完全不在乎了
Say what you want, say what you want I don't mind
說你想說的，說你想要的我不在意了
Do what you want, say what you will
做你想做的，說你要做什麼
There won't be a case for us
那跟我們倆是不會有關係的
Say what you will, say what you can I don't mind
說你要做什麼，說你能做什麼我不在意了

And I don't know just how to treat you better
我不知道該如何再對你更好了
On a rainy day I don't know just how to say it's Ok
在雨天，我不知道該如何說沒關係了
And I don't believe, and I don't believe that you're gone
而我不相信，我不相信你已遠去
And I don't believe, and I don't believe that you're here
且我不相信，我不相信你還在這裡

Say what you will, say what you want I don't care anymore
說你將要做的，說你想要的我已經完全不在乎了
Say what you can, say what you will I don't mind
說你會做的，說你將要做的我不在意了
Say what you will do what you can,
說你要做什麼，說你能做什麼
There won't be a case for us
那跟我們倆是不會有關係的
Say what you will, say what you can I don't mind
說你要做什麼，說你能做什麼我不在意了

And I don't know just how to treat you better
我不知道該如何再對你更好了
I just don't know how to love you better
我只是不知道該怎麼更愛你而已

The Story (Sara Ramirez)

2011-04-02T04:35:00.001+08:00

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true
I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you

Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess

No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true
I was made for you

It's true
I was made for you

Love light by CNBlue

2011-03-31T16:24:00.000+08:00

geuh del bo myun ul gool ee bbal geh jigo
geuh del bo myun ga seum ee doogeun doogeun
ah ee chuh lum soo joob geh mal hago
geuh del bo myun gwen siri oo seum ee na
babo chuh rum ja ggoo man geuh leh
ama neh geh sarang ee on gut gatah
geuh deh neun neh ma eum sok eh president
neh ga seum eh byul soo noh ji
i’m genie for you girl
neh soom eul mut geh haji
geuh deh ga won ha neun gun da
nuh reul sarang ha ni gga
neh sarang eh ee yoo neun ub jan ah you know
geuh deh neun darling
bam ha neuk byul bit boda ah reum da wuh yo
neh mam sok gip peun got eh suh ban jjak guh li neun
naman eh sarang beet
geuh del reul sarang heyo darling
uhn jena neh gyut hae suh beet cheul neh joyo
meh il bam bara bogo
bara bwado ah reum dawuh yo
geuh den nah eh sarang beet
geuh del leul bo myun goo reum eul na neun gi boon
yoo chi heh do ja ggoo man geuh leh ama neh geh sarang ee on gun ga bwah
geuh deh neun darling
bam ha neuk byul bit boda ah reum da wuh yo
neh mam sok gip peun got eh suh ban jjak guh li neun
naman eh sarang beet
geuh del reul sarang heyo darling
uhn jena neh gyut hae suh beet cheul neh joyo
meh il bam bara bogo
bara bwado ah reum dawuh yo
geuh den nah eh sarang beet
geuh deh neun lovely
juh ha neul het sal boda noon ee boo shuh yo
neh mam sok uh doon got gga ji bal geh bee choo neun
naman eh sarang beet
geuh del leul sarang heyo lovely
doo noon eul gam ah bwado geuh deh bo yuh yo
ee luh geh bara bora go
bara bwado noon ee boo shuh yo
geuh den nah eh sarang beet.

---

Translation:

When i look at you my face gets red
when i see you my heart goes thump thump
i talk with shyness like a kid
when i look at you i just smile out of nowhere
like a fool I keep doing that
I think love came to me
You’re the president of my heart
You’re my chests’ star embroider
I’m Genie for you girl
You make me stop breathing
whatever you want
because i love you
There’s no reason for my love you know
you’re a darling
you’re more beautiful than the stars above in the night sky
the shining thing deep inside my heart
my own love light
i love you darling
give me light next to me whenever
every night i look at you
and you’re beautiful even when i look at you
you’re my love light
when i see you i feel like im up on the clouds
it may be immature but i keep doing this
i tihnk love came to me
you’re a darling
you’re more beautiful than the stars above in the night sky
the shining thing deep inside my heart
my very own love light
i love you darling
give me light next to me whenever
every night i look at you
and you’re beautiful even when i look at you
you’re my love light
you’re lovely
you’re mroe blinding than the sunlight up in that sky
you shine the dark places inside my heart
my own love light
i love you lovely
even if i close my eyes i see you
looking at you like this
you’re still blinding even when i see you
you’re my love light

A touch of reality

2011-03-09T03:18:00.002+08:00

I was at work 9 hours today! It has been very tiring but the satisfaction you get when you are able to execute things to help relieve pain and anxieties outweighs whichever fatigue syndrome you may attempt to name yourself next! It makes me wonder, really, why work?

Of course, the primary thing is that we need to all learn a decent living.

While I am hoping that I would be able to say, earn enough to get myself a car to drive. I don't need an ultra fancy car, perhaps a Honda Civic would even do me some justice!

Of course, there is then the worries of maintaining a car. They say having a car is no longer considered an asset. It is more of a liability! I may not have to worry if there is a reliable service such as Los Angeles auto repair. Whether it is a bumper or a head gasket, I would have to bear all responsibilities on the 'liability' of mine!

Guan Huai Fang Shi

2011-02-24T20:21:00.002+08:00

寂寞开在心事旁　随手种一些伤感
ji mo kai zai xin shi pang sui shou zhong yi xie shang gan
不让星星来窥探　找个沉默的夜晚
bu rang xing xing lai kui tan zhao ge chen mo de ye wan
找个沉默的夜晚　不让星星来窥探
zhao ge chen mo de ye wan bu rang xing xing lai kui tan
随手种一些伤感　寂寞开在心事旁
sui shou zhong yi xie shang gan ji mo kai zai xin shi pang

我的关怀方式是你无法察觉的悲凉
wo de guan huai fang shi shi ni wu fa ca jue de bei liang
只能在你不经意时才锁上我心房
zhi neng zai ni bu jing yi shi cai suo shang wo xin fang
你往常的亲切友善　是我今生的遗憾
ni wang chang de qin qie you shan shi wo jin sheng de yi han
受伤后无悔的埋在不流露的脸上
shou shang hou wu hui de mai zai bu liu lu de lian shang

寂寞开在心事旁　随手种一些伤感
ji mo kai zai xin shi pang sui shou zhong yi xie shang gan
不让星星来窥探　找个沉默的夜晚
bu rang xing xing lai kui tan zhao ge chen mo de ye wan
找个沉默的夜晚　不让星星来窥探
zhao ge chen mo de ye wan bu rang xing xing lai kui tan
随手种一些伤感　寂寞开在心事旁
sui shou zhong yi xie shang gan ji mo kai zai xin shi pang

我的关怀方式是你无法察觉的悲凉
wo de guan huai fang shi shi ni wu fa ca jue de bei liang
只能在你不经意时才锁上我心房
zhi neng zai ni bu jing yi shi cai suo shang wo xin fang
你往常的亲切友善　是我今生的遗憾
ni wang chang de qin qie you shan shi wo jin sheng de yi han
受伤后无悔的埋在不流露的脸上
shou shang hou wu hui de mai zai bu liu lu de lian shang

我的关怀方式是你无法察觉的悲凉
wo de guan huai fang shi shi ni wu fa ca jue de bei liang
只能在你不经意时才锁上我心房
zhi neng zai ni bu jing yi shi cai suo shang wo xin fang
你往常的亲切友善　是我今生的遗憾
ni wang chang de qin qie you shan shi wo jin sheng de yi han
受伤后无悔的埋在不流露的脸上
shou shang hou wu hui de mai zai bu liu lu de lian shang

Translated to..

Way of Caring

Loneliness, I place next to my heart
Plant a little sadness over it
Even the stars will not get to spy on it
A dark silent night I seek

A dark silent night I seek
Even the stars will not get to spy on it
Plant a little sadness over it
Loneliness is next to my heart

My way of caring is concealed
in cold sadness you cannot sense
Only when you are not realizing
it gets locked into my heart
Your endless warm concern and friendliness
is my helpless regret in this life
When hurts, my pain I bury with no regret,
it will not show on my face

Pride and prejudice

2011-02-21T00:33:00.002+08:00

Her not objecting does not justify him. It only shows her being deficient in something herself - sense or feeling.

Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing, after all.

Decision. Boundaries.

2011-02-18T03:46:00.001+08:00

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.

- Meredith Grey

Black swan

2011-02-17T05:58:00.003+08:00

So I watched..

Psych thriller they say. I think Nina (played by Natalie Portman) is acutely psychotic!!

Fin!

2011-01-27T03:28:00.002+08:00

It's done.

Liberated!!

No hard feelings. No nostalgia. Just a good sense of liberation.

Not good

2011-01-23T03:33:00.001+08:00

Am not at my best. I am struggling hard. People accuse me of being 'emo' for no good reasons. I have so much on my plate.. no one would understand. But 2 years and I am coming to terms a few things which has been hunting me.

I am liberating.. soon. Just so soon. Just you wait!

Valentine's Day

2011-01-02T02:42:00.003+08:00

Finally got the 'guts' to watch this movie I downloaded don'tknowhow long ago.

Ashton Kutcher is cute. Taylor Lautner and Swift!??!? Hiak hiak.. big joke lah!

Hallucination

2011-01-01T08:22:00.001+08:00

I have probably been hallucinating. I kept getting startled and thought the phone vibrated or rang. Or beeped.

None.

Reality sinks in. Goodbye.

I need a new phone.. teehee!

We all need to

2011-01-01T04:11:00.002+08:00

We all need to break free. At one point or the other. Move on. Break free and move on. Do not be tied down with misery. No more miserable days. Liberate, my dear, liberate and FLY!

Movies this holiday

2010-12-29T01:49:00.002+08:00

Watched some movies this holiday..

Totoro My Neighbour

The Girl With A Dragon Tattoo.

Hachiko.. where we cried buckets!

Of course, The Holiday too. Sigh.

Sometimes I wonder

2010-12-10T04:05:00.001+08:00

My flatmate's partner is here for holidays. The lovebirds look good spending time together. Which, makes me wonder..

How does it feel like having a real boyfriend? I mean real. Not the imaginary type. Or the pseudo type. A real one who truly fancies you and you, him. You know what I mean? I really don't know how it feels. Would your heart flutter? Fill with excitement? Would you smile when you look at him do a chore?

I mean.. a real two-way, both sided sort of mutual relationship. Not the one-sided ones. One-sided ones don't count. One sided ones make one person's heart flutter and all that but at the end of the day, it does not count. It isn't real.

So really, how does a real one feel like? I really do wonder.. curiosity has crept in me.. yet again!

What I did for love

2010-12-10T03:21:00.001+08:00

My latest emo song..

Fireworks

2010-11-22T03:44:00.006+08:00

This video caught my attention while I was cross-training in the gym. Simply because it was shoot in London. And partly because it is Katy Perry (huge hit following GLEE's teenage dream!).

The lyrics are quite interesting indeed.

It started out as a feeling

2010-11-17T22:07:00.000+08:00

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

1235.25

2010-11-11T22:13:00.001+08:00

Self to note: break even figure.

Have been quite down emotionally and mentally with many things that seem menial but actually cause a lot of distress to me. I am alright but there is many more things to worry about, really.

A blurry vision

2010-11-09T18:53:00.001+08:00

And it feels like a dream..

Revolutionary

2010-10-30T06:09:00.001+08:00

When was the last time I used soap bar?

99 secret letters!

2010-10-18T04:54:00.003+08:00

Hhahahahaha.. hidden somewhere is 99 secret letters..

I am impressed! 99 secret letters in 10 months.. and average of 9.9 a month.. huhuhu.. hilarious!!

You're not special

2010-10-15T04:01:00.001+08:00

Once you remind yourself you are not the special one, it is easier to let go. It is easier to put things into perspective because you are not the reason why things happen this way. You are not the first on the list. You are there just for convenience. Of no importance. And you're not special.

Once I convince myself that, I feel so much more at ease. How ironic.

10 years later

2010-10-08T02:29:00.003+08:00

It must have been more than 10 years. Remember those mIRC days when everyone used to chat randomly on chatrooms? I forgot what server it was, but I remember going on channels such as #ironic. Chatting with partially complete strangers were quite fascinating.

So I met this chat friend. Things were always more interesting if you have some common friends. At least you know that he/she isn't a total complete stranger who may turn out to be some psycho. Anyway, so I was chatting with this guy C. I found out he knew my (infamous) friend in the town I formerly resided in. I also learnt that he was was many years my senior but studied in the same primary school where I came from. In fact, he was the first person I knew personally who got the PSD scholarship. During those days, it was rare to get PSD scholarships.

Anyway --

Of course, mIRC and ICQ soon became extinct and we stopped keeping in touch as internet pals.

This morning, my friend told me that one of our friends' sister just got married so the curious me went to see the photo album. I saw at least 20 photos until suddenly I looked down and saw the name..

Omg omg omg. I know this guy, I exclaimed! A moment of enlightenment!!

Don't you think this world is really small after all?

5k at 10.5kph

2010-10-07T04:04:00.002+08:00

I haven't done my 5k in AGES! Finally accomplished it on the treadmill in the hospital gym. Hooray to me! Give me 5 props, pretty please!

That aside.

I think I can cry easily. I can feel hot tears in my eyes all the time. It is good because it cleanses my eyes but deep down in the brain, who knows what it may mean?

I am getting with terms with reality. I really am.

The Holiday

2010-10-02T05:18:00.006+08:00

A sis of mine told me about this film 'The Holiday' starring Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz and Jude Law. She said that Iris in the movie reminded her of me. I was curious, so I went to read the synopsis.

What really made me watch it was because it has a setting in London. More like Surrey, actually. An impulsive download and here am I watching it!

Well, to be honest, I won't say I have a lot in common with the character Iris (Winslet). But there are certain parts which I teared (odd, I know.. this is comedy) because certain bits were just quite profound and contained so much truth. At least I could relate to those certain bits.

I think there were a few scenes that could parallel to my own experiences. Heh.

Anyway -

Shall leave you this monologue that appeared in the beginning of the movie.

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms. I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

Odd but true

2010-10-01T05:46:00.002+08:00

Guys who are trying to express interest in me truly put me off! I get really annoyed and end up avoiding them.

It's been like that for a long, long time... well, to be fair, there were not many guys who were implying they had interest in me. But it was a pattern recognition, I must say.

At one point in my life, I thought I finally grown out of it. I thought I would finally fall for that one who seemed interested. Turn out, I was wrong. Tsk tsk tsk. I better hope there is an exception somewhere because if this goes on, I would never end up with someone. It seems easier to love than to be loved!

Malaysian Open

2010-09-29T05:35:00.003+08:00

Bleah.. didn't even know Malaysian Open is going on now in KL..

Marcos Baghdatis beat Kei Nishikori.... aiyohhh

CKT ver 2.0

2010-09-28T06:15:00.006+08:00

I bought 7 bulbs of garlic and hopped on the tube to Leceister Square. Coming out from the tube station, I thought I should cross the road. Then, my eyes caught the sign board pointing to Covent Garden.

My mind went to a whirlwind. Where is Chinatown??

When I was still thinking, someone knocked the umbrella into my back. Adui. Cho loh-nya, I muttered under breath. The natural reflex was to turn around and then the umbrella knocked me from another side again.

I turned. Cheh.

"Ehhh? What a coincidence!"

"You arr.. like a headless chicken!"

Chicken. My biggest phobia yet he used to always call me that. Him. That old last time him.

"Sorry lah, I was guessing how to get to Chinatown.." almost blushing from embarrassment of my horrendous non-existent GPS skill in my brain. Truth was, this was my 3198382910381-th time to Chinatown and I still could not navigate around with confidence.

He shook his head.

"Good thing I bump into you!"

I felt the security when I have someone to walk with. We went for the usual grocery shopping and managed to get a few good things before heading back for CKT version 2.0, this time with cockles.

We cooked one portion this time and shared a plate instead. It was better eating less, I suppose.. and there were mussels too.

After the hearty meal, we ended up having afternoon nap on the couches with bloated stomachs... life's good!

It is crazy

2010-09-27T03:57:00.001+08:00

Found this somewhere.

It is utmost crazy that the people you love most are the ones that hurt you the most. The people you allow to come closest to you are the ones you are inviting to pierce a sword through your heart.

I don't know why

2010-09-24T04:35:00.003+08:00

Everyone can be a little bias in their own ways. I know I can be pretty biased when it comes to certain people. I justify. I make adjustments. At the end of the day, I just cannot be fair.

I fail.

Everything

2010-09-23T16:33:00.003+08:00

Broke my own rules.

Suffered the consequences.

Who am I to blame?

But myself?

Saying no

Sometimes is hard

Trying to accommodate

Is way easier

Believe me

I am really trying

Very, very hard

Trust me

I will give up

In fact I have

Given up

Everything.

A lonely midautumn day

2010-09-22T04:46:00.004+08:00

I am actually feeling a tad bit sad this midautumn festival. I never really used to feel that sort of sadness during festivals when I am away from home. But this time around, I don't know why I started to feel that I have to learn to be alone after all.

Alone.

While I was walking back home from the hospital today, I suddenly thought of the me when I was 8 years old. If I were to travel back in time like what ?Henry did in The Time Traveler's Wife, I would see my nerdy short hair RM24-framed glasses look telling my then best friend Jas Isheak that I wanted to only date when I am in university and I would only marry the guy when we graduate.

I chuckled at the fragmented piece of memory. It is always that I assumed I would find that him. I always, always assumed. Ironically, this is my fifth year in university as an undergrad, and I am still as alone as ever.

Why did I even assume in the first place? I guess I never really imagined I would be stuck in the university for such a long time.. even though technically that may mean improving my chances of meeting the him, but seems like, at the end of the day, I am all alone again..

So yes. I think this cocktail of emotions and thoughts stirred up in me recently. I feel for once, I am going to be alone this midautumn day. I will perhaps make myself a good meal and sit in front of my computer playing Bejeweled.

I might just allow a tiny treat tomorrow.. let's see how the mood fluctuates :)

Some things remain the same

2010-09-21T02:08:00.004+08:00

Eight years ago, I thought I had this major crush on this particular guy whose birthday was slightly a month ahead of mine. He was someone whom I met through mIRC 2 years prior. We had those harmless (rather, pointless) chats on the internet and it soon blossomed into a oh-I-must-chat-with-him-everyday affair.

I could list 10001 reasons why I should not even fall for him. He was nothing like the ideal man I had in mind. He was nowhere near, in fact. He was the rebel type. But I just could not help but be attracted to him. I just could not understand why. I fought the feeling so hard. I tried so, so hard.

In the midst of it, he defined my teenage world. He was the one who made me smile at that batu handphone every time a text comes in. He was the one who called me and talked with a deep, musky voice over the phone. He was the one who made my heart skipped a beat every time I bump into him after tuition. He was the one who drained my monthly prepaid phone credit. He was the first guy who rode in my car after I got my driver's license. He knew I fancied him. I knew he didn't feel the same towards me. But I was of convenience to him. So why not just play along?

I knew I was on the wrong track. I fought it for 1.5 long years before I could finally let go and realised that my dreams have dissipated into a blurry nightmare which I soon woke up from.

Ever since then, I never really fancied any guy for real. This first guy has set the standards for what was soon to come. I told myself I just have to fight it for the most 1.5 years and I would be able to get over something I know that does not belong to me. It has nearly been a decade since the first MAJOR crush. You'd think I have learnt my lesson, no?

I think I have never really changed after all, albeit such a bad experience and being called an adult now.

Chinese, no?

2010-09-20T22:59:00.003+08:00

1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save & reuse the wrapping & especially those ribbons

2. When there is a Sale of Toilet Paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out

3. You keep a Thermos of Hot water available at all times

4. You save grocery bags, tin foils and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage

5. You hate to waste food
(a) Even if you are very full, if someone says they are going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you will finish them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa )
(b) You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing

6. You don't own any real Tupperware - only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsen margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars

7. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel

8. You wipe your plate and utensils before you eat every time you go to a restaurant

9 . You own a Rice Cooker and a Slow cooker

10. You wash your rice at least 2 - 3 times before cooking it

11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill

12. You have a teacup with a cover on it

13. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive Walkman if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera

14. You're a wok user.

15. You only make long distance calls after 7 pm

16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached - it means they are fresh

17. You never call your parents just to say, ' Hi. '

18. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they will ask if you have eaten, even if it is midnight

19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay indoors when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked foods because such food are ' heaty'

20. You e-mail your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart

21. You always cook too much

22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table

23. You starve yourself before going to ' All You Can Eat buffet'.

24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics & computers

25 . You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it

26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin

27. You call a sausage a hotdog

28. You wrap with napkins all the knives, spoons & forks of the airline that you fly in and put them in your travel-bag as souvenirs (used to! hahaha)

29. You never forget to take with you all the unused bath and facial tissues when you check out from the hotel because you believe that you have paid for them

Tofu

2010-09-20T02:02:00.001+08:00

I am going to learn to eat more tofu for my fertility's sake!

CKT

2010-09-19T04:48:00.002+08:00

"I think I can make CKT as nice as Sedap!" he exclaimed.

I glared back at him.

"Trust me."

Whatever. So, we bought the ingredients - the white flat noodles, squid, sweet sauce, chinese chives, bean sprouts and preserved radish.

It is always fun being in the kitchen with a food enthusiast. I always end up clumsy, what Mum would call "ye bang ye mang" (the more you help, the busier it gets) because I practically can't do anything useful. Nor can I make myself useful.

Finally, the CKT was born. It tasted good, albeit being too much and we got a little jelak. I left soon after, with some leftover chives I vowed to make omelette with and with a satisfied smile on my face.

CKT was good.

The 10p story

2010-09-15T23:58:00.002+08:00

He grabbed a packet of croissants and headed to the queue. Seeing him with the bags of grocery, I offered to hold them while he make the payment.

"Why not I hold on to the the groceries while you go and pay?"

I shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

He dropped a handful of coins into my palm and I joined the queue. The croissant was £1.25. Looking at the coins, I found myself short of 10p. I dug into my coin pouch and found two 5pence coins.

Smiling to myself, I made the exact payment at the till.

When I found him, I returned the remaining coins.

"Whoa. I didn't know I had exactly £1.25!"

"Nah.. you were short of 10p. But not to worry. I had two 5p's.."

"Wow, I didn't know you're that generous."

I laughed and glared at him. "What? Is this what I am in your mind? A stingy woman?"

"No, I just can't stand it when you are stingy to yourself, alright?"

I guess he was right after all.

Le reality and such

2010-09-05T05:58:00.002+08:00

Been thinking a lot about life. Is it worth suppressing your feelings and emotions as a way to cope with disappointments and hurts?

Some say, you've got to chase after your own love.

Some say, work hard. Love. Love.

Yet others may say that you have the right to show that you love.

I am confused. I believe I have been trying to suppress. I've been living in denial altogether. I haven't been myself altogether. I give myself 39103829021830 reasons to not love. I convince myself that I should not even attempt. I told myself I was confused. I conned myself into believing that I am insane. Not mentality sound.

At the end of the day, I am just in pure denial. But the Consultant I had for Palliative Care told us.. we all live in a degree of denial.. it is just the way you cope with things. The only time when denial brings problem is when it blocks our functioning.

'Til then..

Cynical, I am

2010-08-19T09:05:00.001+08:00

–adjective

like or characteristic of a cynic; distrusting or disparaging themotives of others.

showing contempt for accepted standards of honesty ormorality by one's actions, esp. by actions that exploit thescruples of others.

bitterly or sneeringly distrustful, contemptuous, orpessimistic.

( initial capital letter ) cynic ( def. 5 ) .

Two movies on the bus

2010-08-16T01:50:00.002+08:00

Watched two movies on the bus from Praha to Berlin.

GCS

2010-07-21T01:29:00.002+08:00

Eye

4 - spontaneous eye opening

3 - open to speech

2 - open to pain

1 - no response

Verbal

5 - Orientated

4 - Confused

3 - Inappropriate responses

2 - Inappropriate sounds

1 - no response

Motor -

6 - Obeys commands

5 - Localises to pain

4 - Withdraws from pain

3 - Flexion (decorticate) to pain

2 - Extension (decerebrate) to pain

1 - no reponse

Panic to manic

2010-07-17T05:04:00.001+08:00

I am so so.................................

Don't know what to say.

My strawberry cheesecake

2010-07-08T05:35:00.002+08:00

Never a sucker for sweet things. But when I tasted this, I was all melted.

When Roger lose....

2010-07-03T19:13:00.000+08:00

I look fat. Unkempt. Bored. Tired.

Are you A, B or C?

2010-07-03T19:10:00.002+08:00

I picked this from here.

A, who would love a guy openly, expresses her love openly even though she is not loved by him. She's always there supporting him and helping him when he needs.

B, the one who love him only in her heart. It might be obvious to others but definitely not to him. She would go to the end of the earth for him, and do everything she could for him, just so he could be happy.

C, the one who love and is loved.

I think I used to B, is still a B and always will remain being a B. It is quite sad but I sometimes still wait for the day I will become a C.

Wimby trip

2010-06-16T02:21:00.004+08:00

WOOOTS!

LX@Wimby!

A bit too late for me to drop by The All England Tennis and Croquet Club in SW19 to grab those cheap bargains and sale items. Now there are no more sale items because The Championships are starting this coming MONDAY!

Tsk tsk. Time really flies!

So do I look cool in the photo above? Thanks to my friend 'Shing' lending me her very atas sunnies. I know my slippers look very ah ma and my jeans need some professional alteration (make mental note: bring back to Miri during summer, pls!).

Because everything was expensive in The Wimbledon Shop, I nge nge wanted to buy something. Ended up buying a lapel pin for Meepit to put on her LEO vest and dampeners because they are just GBP3 each. HOHOHO.

Okay. I am nuts.

BUT BUT. Did you know that Tsonga, Djokovic, Roddick and Murray was training at the Aorangi Park which was just north of Court 1 when we were there??? So near yet so far!

In a very light tone

2010-06-15T05:58:00.003+08:00

Momsie: So you must get a bf asap

Me: Haiyah. Give free also no one wants.

Momsie: Please, do not give free..

Me: I mean, EVEN if given free also no one wants.

Momsie: Do not worry

Me: Not worried at all. No time to worry about this anyway.

Day 2 of no blog

2010-06-15T04:05:00.002+08:00

There is some mess going on so I am just going to rant on here :)

Today, I just wasn't up to shape. Not myself. Felt drained out. Fatigued. Just unwell generally. Blame the hormones!

Then again. I told myself not to give excuses. Gotta work hard. Don't settle for the next best thing. You deserve the best, I tell myself.

Lemon tea

2010-06-14T04:08:00.003+08:00

Lemon by its own is sour. It may be too acidic. Yes, some believe it helps in weight loss (WHAT??). Lemon on its own isn't that fantastic.

However, lemon in a cup of tea changes the entire picture. Yes, I know tea on its own can be a great drink, but having lemon in it just gives a whole new perspective. Do you drink lemon tea with sugar?

Last night, someone made me a cup of lemon tea. Unsweetened. It was very sour indeed but I think it is sort of an acquired taste. I really liked it after awhile. Maybe all along, I should not have thought of sweetening my lemon teas. I should have just taken it without sugar. Just the tea and lemon. Wouldn't it be perfect?

I made a mistake to always have this mindset that lemon teas should ALWAYS come with the sugar. Sugar can be detrimental. Too much kills. I should have learnt my lesson. Just take the tea and lemon together. Then again, my GP once told me how easily the sweetening effect would just be part of what your taste bud really wants that it is hard to get rid. Once you stop putting in the sugar, you wouldn't have a problem anymore. But problem is, I've started with the sugar in the first place..

I need to start drinking lemon teas WITHOUT sugar.

No home

2010-06-14T03:09:00.001+08:00

My domain is gone case!!

As I awaits the fate of my Ofhopeandlove.com, I shall be writing here. I have much to write but I need to finish some work first.

Brb.

I've never come across this

2010-06-09T03:54:00.003+08:00

I am in a very strange phase and season in life. I have never really experienced this. It is very difficult and complicated to comprehend. I know what is happening. But I just cannot verbalise (nor type it) out here. I feel very tormented. It is really complicated. Suffice to say I dug my own grave. It is very, very stupid and reckless of me. But on the other hand, I think I would never be good enough anyway. This is a very strange thing to be happening. I am being tormented everyday. I pretend I don't know, but I CLEARLY DO! It crushes me. It is the oddest to be happening in my almost storm-free life. It will be a very weird thing, I must say. Pardon me for using words like odd, weird, strange or complicated. I just feel very messed up.

Sigh!

You in me

2010-06-08T21:55:00.000+08:00

Emo quotes!

2010-04-21T05:23:00.001+08:00

If you love someone set them free. If they come back they are yours. If not they never were.

I cry for the time that you were almost mine, I cry for the memories I've left behind, I cry for the pain, the lost, the old the new, I cry for the times I thought I had you.

Not all scars show, not all wounds heal Sometimes you can't always see The pain someone feels.

Every night i talk to the stars pretending its you.. it acts just like you tho.. far away and never replies to my questions.

....

2010-04-08T01:24:00.002+08:00

Alamak! I turned this blog into a lyrics page. Good thing no one is reading. KEKKEKEKE!

On my own

2010-04-08T01:18:00.000+08:00

And now I'm all alone again, no where to go no one to turn to,
without a hope without a friend without a face to say hello too.
And now the night is near,
And I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

I'm not that girl

2010-04-01T00:09:00.001+08:00

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

The best way

2010-03-30T06:23:00.002+08:00

The best way to get over a guy is to turn him into literature.

So, I have decided to get into writing.. soon. I am sick and tired of striving to be loved. In the end, no one would ever turn a second time to look at me. People just like those who are 'hot', good looking and pretty. Not only I do not have outer beauty, I really doubt I have inner beauty either.

Oh well.

So yes. I am sick and tired of having any so-called feelings.

I am so much happier not having any emotional attachments. I am just happy getting rid of all the guys and never have to think of them. Guys suck.

Pfft.

Sorry, I am being hard and cruel but this is my natural defense mechanism.

Being single is the best thing now for me. :)

:) :) :)

And the keys

2010-03-22T02:05:00.002+08:00

The fingers struck the keys so beautifully.

It was a warm feeling in me. To me, that is the feeling of falling in love. I don't know how to describe exactly how because I have never been in any relationship before in my entire life. But every time I see the fingers of this pianist touching the keys, I felt my heart skip a beat. I felt love.. or at least, that was what I thought. I could not be sure.

I just have this soft spot for people like that.. I don't know why..

I miss you

2010-02-25T03:43:00.001+08:00

BOSU ball

2010-02-12T04:54:00.001+08:00

I discovered the BOSU ball at the gym..

It helps in the balancing, stability and squatting things.. Lovin' it!

Rascal

2010-02-11T07:27:00.000+08:00

無賴
Rascal

填詞/作曲：李峻一
編曲：Ted Lo
監製：Gary Chan

我間中飲醉酒　很喜歡自由
Sometimes I drink till I'm drunk / I like to have freedom
常犯錯愛說謊　但總會內疚
I always make mistake and I love to lie / But I do feel guilty
遇過很多的損友　學到貪新厭舊
I've met dozens of unsrupulous friends / I learned to prefer new things and abandon the old ones
亦欠過很多女人
I owe to so many women

怕結婚只會守　三分鐘諾言
I'm afraid of marriage / I never keep to my promise
曾話過要戒煙　但講了就算
I've promised to quite smoking but I was just simply saying
夢與想丟低很遠　但對返工厭倦
I've forgotten my dreams / I'm fed up of my job
自小不會打算
I'm bad in planning my life since I was little

＊但是仍　(在地球)　唯獨妳愛我這廢人
But there's still (in the world) only you who love this uselss me
　出錯妳都肯去忍
You bear my mistakes and my faults
　然而誰亦早知不會合襯
We both know that we're not suitable for each other
　偏偏妳願意等
Yet you're still willing to wait

　為何還喜歡我　我這種無賴
Why do you still love me, a rascal like me?
　是話妳蠢還是很偉大
Are you too silly or are you too generous?
　在座每位都將我踩　口碑有多壞
Everyone bashes me / No matter how bad my reputation is
　但妳亦永遠不見怪
But you never seem to care about that

　何必跟我　我這種無賴
Why are you with me, a rascal like me?
　活大半生還是很失敗
Having lived half of my life yet I'm so useless
　但是妳死都不變心　跟我笑著捱
But your faith never breaks / You struggle with me with a grin
　就算壞　我也不忍心　(偷偷作怪)＊
However bad I am / I won't be cruel enough to cheat on you

沒有根的野草　飄忽的命途
My life is like the weed without root
誰像妳當我寶　什麼也做到
Only you appreciate me / Do everything for me
舊愛數足一匹布　在這刻寫句號
My previous love is a long list / But I'm putting a full stop (period) to it
只想跟妳終老
I want only to be with you till old

REPEAT＊

還喜歡我　我這種無賴
You still love me, a rascal like me
是話妳蠢還是很偉大
Are you too silly or are you too generous?
在座每位都將我踩　口碑有多壞
Everyone bashes me / No matter how bad my reputation is
但妳亦永遠不見怪
But you never seem to care about that

何必跟我　我這種無賴
Why are you with me, a rascal like me?
活大半生還是很失敗
Having lived half of my life yet I'm so useless
但是妳死都不變心　跟我拼命捱
But your faith never breaks / You struggle with me
換轉別個　也不忍心　偷偷作怪
Even if it's for others / No one will be cruel enough to cheat on you

Stay

2010-02-10T08:58:00.000+08:00

if this world is wearing thin
and you're thinking of escape
i'll go anywhere with you
just wrap me up in chains
but if you try to go out alone
don't think i'll understand

stay with me
stay with me

in the silence of your room
in the darkness of your dreams
you must only think of me
there can be no in-betweens
when your pride is on the floor
i'll make you beg for more

stay with me
stay with me

you'd better hope and pray
that you make it safe
back to your own world
you'd better hope and pray
that you wake one day
in your own world
'cuz when you sleep at night
they don't hear your cries
in your own world
only time will tell
if you can break the spell
back in your own world

stay with me
stay with me

I will have to leave one day

2010-01-23T00:58:00.003+08:00

The girl in this series knew that she had lost herself and she fluctuated according to the guy. But she knew she would have to leave one day, anyway. She was trying so hard to curb her own feelings. She knew she had to wake up one day. She knew they were all false.

:(

2010-01-21T04:31:00.001+08:00

A stab in my heart.

:(

Shoes.. too many?

2010-01-11T05:23:00.004+08:00

Long long time ago in ~~Bethlehem~~ Shah Alam, I only had a pair of sneakers to last me for all ocassion.

Today, I am in London. I have

1 pair of slippers
1 pair of loafers
1 pair of running shoes
1 pair of tennis shoes

1 crocs
2 pairs of heels
2 pairs of boots
3 pairs of flats

That makes it a total of 12 pairs!! Crazzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyy!

I cannot be waiting like this forever

2010-01-08T04:29:00.002+08:00

I read this book.

And watched the movie.

Wrote about it here.

On another note, I must not sit here so pathetically every evening waiting... waiting and anticipating for something which I know clearly won't happen.

Sometimes

2010-01-06T05:43:00.003+08:00

Sometimes we can make believe.. like the photo above. I was home for Christmas!! We had fun celebrating Mummy's birthday..

Fun fun!!

But technology is just as far as it goes...

The truth is, I am still stuck half a globe away from home.

No, not white

2009-12-31T00:17:00.002+08:00

Contrary to what people think, no. No, I didn't have a white Christmas. It was cold, chilly and dry in London.

Harder than I think

2009-12-19T06:46:00.002+08:00

I keep myself distracted. Went for duck, went shopping etc..

But I still think of...

*sigh*

This is harder than I thought. I still justify...

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

2009-12-18T17:11:00.002+08:00

Just as I didn't give much thought on it,

It was officially DAY 1 (of liberation) yesterday.

Funny because it is 1st anniversary of justwhentheproblemactuallyoriginated. 18 December under just under 200 archived items.

I need a break. Why am I not looking forward to any?

Failure to thrive

2009-12-17T03:27:00.002+08:00

I think my brilliant Starveplan is going down the drain.

Can you believe how vulnerable I am? This is my weakest point (why do I even bother announcing it to the whole world here?) and over and over again I am being attacked on this soft spot.

I feel very tired.. I must persevere, but then again...

See! I can never make up my mind!

I break my own rule

2009-12-16T06:32:00.002+08:00

:(

Again. And again.

I break my own rule. And find myself disappointed. Again..

Day 1 (again!)

2009-12-16T05:58:00.003+08:00

What I assume to be Day 1...

Here I go again.. my head is spinning, winter becomes a dread and I feel numb and tingly that I just feel like hibernating all the time. It is quite depressing, no matter how hard I try to enjoy the beauty of botak trees or what.

My head is spinning so much that I think Day 1 will be over before I know it. It feels not that hard today.. should I [SKL] if anything happens tonight?

*Thinks hard..

I always give in. Always!! Soft hearted...........

Day 1

2009-12-16T00:44:00.001+08:00

Day 1 was annulled at just near midnight!

My eyes are too tired now, can't bother to explain why or how.

So effectively that was Day 0, today Day 1?

Let's wait and see..

Survived

2009-12-15T06:43:00.002+08:00

Looks like I survive Day 1... quite dazed though. Reading journals and keeping myself busy make me dizzy, and I hope it wasn't the coffee or tomyam.

(Good) night aka gn!

... (Day 1 at night)

2009-12-15T05:56:00.002+08:00

I think the hardest bit is during night time when I start to think like an owl.. whatever that means. Thoughts lurk into my mind. I start to analyse, debate and struggle with my own opinions. I like justifying, reasoning and debating until I reach a conclusion. Often, I do not reach the conclusion. I sway from one side to the other.

I end up feeling miserable either way.

Night 1 is not that easy after all.. I need to persevere!

Day 1

2009-12-14T22:44:00.002+08:00

Wasn't a good start to Day 1 (because I woke up, like.. real late..) but I managed a workout in the gym. It was a 5k run at 9.2kph, so I think it wasn't too bad. Went to get some ingredients for my oh-so-lovely tomyam dish. Came back home for a refreshing shower and off to make my tomyam lunch.

Now full from the lunch, I am enjoying the black bitter coffee which is sooooo good!

I need to learn to wake up. Earlier. I am wasting time sleeping so much!

Here is cheers to Day 1!

Day 0

2009-12-14T03:49:00.002+08:00

No Day 1 (yet).

Day 0..

Soft hearted. Easy to compromise. Tend to play along with whatever tune. Always a peace-maker. Boring. No stand or principle in life.

I shall keep this short and sweet because the cold is biting into me. I feel so cold, I just don't like it anymore.

Starveplan kicks off

2009-12-13T21:48:00.002+08:00

I think my 30-day 'Starve' plan shall work. I wanted to name it 30-day fast, but I do not think it is appriopriate.. it really isn't fasting, is it?

Anyway, Starveplan is going to work based on certain terms and conditions.

1. Stick to the plan
2. Everytime I break the rule, I will have to reset it back to Day 0.
3. Will record them here..

Hahahah this is fun!

You will get used to it

2009-12-13T05:01:00.004+08:00

I have a conversational problem. I have started to be reliant over something I do almost every night. I need to get my thoughts out. It is almost like a place where I get myself absorbed into a realm where I feel good.

It is obviously unhealthy.

I should be seeking first His kingdom, not worldly pleasures. I should not be 'depending' on a human source for attention or affection.

I came up with a simple idea..

'Starve' myself of the need. It is more of conditioning effect. I shall stop talking and 'starve' myself..

It should something like this

Day 1 - torturing!!!
Day 2 - very torturing.. why oh why!
Day 3 - terribly torturing!!
Day 4 - near dead
Day 5 - very dead
Day 6 - super dead..
Day 7 - ...............
Day 8 - ..................
Day 9 - ............................
Day 10 - ......... ..... ......... ....... ....
Day 12 - *signal undetected*
Day 13- *signal undetected*
Day 14 - *signal undetected*
Day 15 - ....
Day 16 - .........
Day 17 - ....... .. . . . ..........
Day 18 - not too bad.. can breathe
Day 19 - I smell something
Day 20 - I sense something
Day 21 - not too bad
Day 22 - see a light
Day 23 - life is starting to feel...
Day 24 - not too bad
Day 25 - 25th day!
Day 26 - no more numbness
Day 27 - starting to get used to...
Day 28 - it..
Day 29 - that's right..
Day 30 - hello life!

Not too bad right? Day 1 starts tomorrow. :)

Love is a strange thing!

2009-12-10T20:50:00.001+08:00

愛情是一種怪事
Ai qing shi yi zhong guai shi
Oh, love is a strange thing
我開始全身不受控制
Wo kai shi quan shen bu shou kong zhi
I've begun to lose control over my own body
愛情是一種本事
Ai qing shi yi zhong ben shi
Oh, love is a skill, an ability
我開始連自己都不是
Wo kai shi lian zi ji dou bu shi
I've started to no longer be myself...
為你我做了太多的傻事
Wei ni wo zuo le tai duo de sha shi
For you, I've done too many foolish things
第一件就是為你寫詩
Di yi jian jiu shi wei ni xie shi
The first is writing poems for you...

Chorus:
為你寫詩為你靜止
Wei ni xie shi Wei ni jing zhi
Writing poems just for you, Stopping, motionless, for you
為你做不可能的事
Wei ni zuo bu ke neng de shi
For you, I do the impossible
為你我學會彈琴寫詞
Wei ni wo xue hui tan qin xie ci
For you, I've learned to play piano and write lyrics
為你失去理智
Wei ni shi qu li zhi
For you, I've lost all reason
為你寫詩為你靜止
Wei ni xie shi Wei ni jing zhi
Writing poems just for you, Stopping, motionless, for you
為你做不可能的事
Wei ni zuo bu ke neng de shi
For you, I do the impossible
為你彈奏所有情歌的句子
Wei ni tan zou suo you qing ge de ju zi
For you, I play the lines of every love song
我忘了說最美的是你的名字
Wo wang le shuo Zui mei de shi ni de ming zi
I forgot to say That the most beautiful thing (of all) is your name

愛情是一種怪事
Ai qing shi yi zhong guai shi
Oh, love is a strange thing
你的笑容是唯一宗旨
Ni de xiao rong shi wei yi zong zhi
Your smile is my only goal (in life)
愛情是一種本事
Ai qing shi yi zhong ben shi
Oh, love is a skill, an ability
我在你心裡什麼位子
Wo zai ni xin li shen me wei zi
What is the place I hold in your heart?
為你我做了太多的傻事
Wei ni wo zuo le tai duo de sha shi
For you, I've done too many foolish things
第一件就是為你寫詩
Di yi jian jiu shi wei ni xie shi
The first is writing poems for you...

Chorus:
為你寫詩為你靜止
Wei ni xie shi Wei ni jing zhi
Writing poems just for you, Stopping, motionless, for you
為你做不可能的事
Wei ni zuo bu ke neng de shi
For you, I do the impossible
為你我學會彈琴寫詞
Wei ni wo xue hui tan qin xie ci
For you, I've learned to play piano and write lyrics
為你失去理智
Wei ni shi qu li zhi
For you, I've lost all reason
為你寫詩為你靜止
Wei ni xie shi Wei ni jing zhi
Writing poems just for you, Stopping, motionless, for you
為你做不可能的事
Wei ni zuo bu ke neng de shi
For you, I do the impossible
為你彈奏所有情歌的句子
Wei ni tan zou suo you qing ge de ju zi
For you, I play the lines of every love song
我忘了說最美的是你的名字
Wo wang le shuo Zui mei de shi ni de ming zi
I forgot to say That the most beautiful thing (of all) is your name

Chorus:
為你寫詩為你靜止
Wei ni xie shi Wei ni jing zhi
Writing poems just for you, Stopping, motionless, for you
為你做不可能的事
Wei ni zuo bu ke neng de shi
For you, I do the impossible
為你我學會彈琴寫詞
Wei ni wo xue hui tan qin xie ci
For you, I've learned to play piano and write lyrics
為你失去理智
Wei ni shi qu li zhi
For you, I've lost all reason
為你寫詩為你靜止
Wei ni xie shi Wei ni jing zhi
Writing poems just for you, Stopping, motionless, for you
為你做不可能的事
Wei ni zuo bu ke neng de shi
For you, I do the impossible
為你彈奏所有情歌的句子
Wei ni tan zou suo you qing ge de ju zi
For you, I play the lines of every love song
我忘了說最美的是你的名字
Wo wang le shuo Zui mei de shi ni de ming zi
I forgot to say That the most beautiful thing (of all) is your name

我什都能忘記但唯一不忘是你的名字
Wo shen dou neng wang ji Dan wei yi bu wang shi ni de ming zi
I can forget everything But the only thing I can't forget is your name
我什都能忘記但唯一不忘是你的樣子
Wo shen dou neng wang ji Dan wei yi bu wang shi ni de yang zi
I can forget everything But the only thing I can't forget is your face
我什都能忘記但唯一不忘是你的名字
Wo shen dou neng wang ji Dan wei yi bu wang shi ni de ming zi
I can forget everything But the only thing I won't forget is your name
我什都能忘記但唯一不忘是你的樣子
Wo shen dou neng wang ji Dan wei yi bu wang shi ni de yang zi
I can forget everything But the only thing I won't forget is your face

Pretty meh?

2009-12-09T06:45:00.000+08:00

Pretty meh?

Okok lah..

I do not understand

2009-12-05T03:14:00.003+08:00

I do not understand why mutuality does not exist in my vocabulary. Why is that I always fall for the wrong things at the wrong time with the wrong mindset? Why am I always lost.. why am I always just not in the correct frequency. In the wrong circumstances. Wrong physique. Wrong everything!

I know.. I should not be saying everything is wrong. God has promised that all things will be beautiful in its own time. I have waited for so long.. it is worth waiting, my friend told me. But I have waited for just so, so long! I sometimes get tired. Weary. I find that I lose the steam. I feel lost. I need a drive.

I thought I found one, but it failed me big time. Again. Like always. Why does it always happen to me? I really do not wish or hope for much! Yet...

They say chemistry is a complex thing. It isn't even a 'thing'! I think it is definitely complex. Nerve wrecking. Can-never-understand. I would love to love as how I would be loved. Or the other way round.

Anyway, why am I lamenting so much here? There is a hand I cannot hold, a shoulder I cannot lean on, an arm I cannot squeeze. I look blankly at the screen and tell myself it is fine. I am fine, actually. But sometimes I just feel lost. I miss certain things in life. It has left a hole in me.

Having said that, I actually emerged stronger. I will keep waiting.. I have waited so many years, it does not matter a few more years. Or would it be a life-long wait?

Oh yea!

2009-12-02T02:18:00.001+08:00

Today in the gym, I up-ed my intensity for a faster pace on the treadmill. I actually felt I was sweating! After that, I visited the weights room to do some sit-ups and tricep curls. Tricep curls are so challenging! I did the torso toning thing as well, always equally tough. I have very reduced strength. Need to work on them more!

Disapproval

2009-12-02T02:15:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I find myself being challenged or discouraged at the disapproving remarks coming from the mouths of people I care about a lot. Whatever I do or say, they have something to go against it. Never would I get compliments or encouragement. It is quite discouraging, you know!

Anyway, I believe that I should still cling on.

Love thy enemies.

Love thy neighbour.

Romans 12 reminded me so much about my attitude recently. I find it tiring and hard to live up to that standard at times, but because of His grace and mercy, I believe it is possible.

The (not so) private pages of my life

Season of loneliness

More reads (on Kindle!)

World in Union

Summer reads and watch

Resolutions

Movies this week

Kindle

Two years ago

No strings attached

When

Horrible love

Something borrowed

Most important decision... awww...

My dearest

Say what you want, say what you want I don't care anymore

The Story (Sara Ramirez)

Love light by CNBlue

A touch of reality

Guan Huai Fang Shi

Pride and prejudice

Decision. Boundaries.

Black swan

Fin!

Not good

Valentine's Day

Hallucination

We all need to

Movies this holiday

Sometimes I wonder

What I did for love

Fireworks

It started out as a feeling

1235.25

A blurry vision

Revolutionary

99 secret letters!

You're not special

10 years later

5k at 10.5kph

The Holiday

Odd but true

Malaysian Open

CKT ver 2.0

It is crazy

I don't know why

Everything

A lonely midautumn day

Some things remain the same

Chinese, no?

Tofu

CKT

The 10p story

Le reality and such

Cynical, I am

cyn·i·cal

Two movies on the bus

GCS

Panic to manic

My strawberry cheesecake

When Roger lose....

Are you A, B or C?

Wimby trip

In a very light tone

Day 2 of no blog

Lemon tea

No home

I've never come across this

You in me

Emo quotes!

....

On my own

I'm not that girl

The best way

And the keys

I miss you

BOSU ball

Rascal

Stay

I will have to leave one day