Long gone expertise

I used to brag so much about how I much I knew and understood about love, relationship and guys. That was maybe fifteen years ago.  I used to listen to my friends' rants on their boyfriends and how they did not understand yet I could 'see' what they couldn't.

I now very much doubt that I know anything at all.

Maybe it is just a different phase in life. Maybe it is all about growing up and adulthood. Maybe it is all those mysteries I never really solved in the first place.

Sometimes I often wonder and secretly fear that I have fallen for the idea of love rather than fallen in love. I never planned to fall in love yet sometimes at your least expected circumstances and timing, you find a man who consistently keeps in touch with you. At least, that was what I felt few months back. I have grown so fond of him I begin to question my own sanity at times. Then again, I am always advocating this 'we don't choose who we fall for' mantra. Without any real opportunities to spend time together getting to know each other, how could one decide he is the one she would spend her life with? But I fear I already have my answers.

Having the certainty on my side, however, does not guarantee anything on the other side. I may think I finally meet the one, but who knows what he thinks or how he feels about this whole thing? Trying to dig into his thoughts may not be a good idea as everyone tells me I need to 'play the game'. Act cool. Or whatever. I never really approved of this 'game' but deep inside, I probably knew that the very reason why I never scored in any relationship is because of my reluctance in playing the 'game'. I probably give myself away too easily, and men do not hold on tight to girls like me.

Every time I lie in bed, I think of him. I wonder if we could have a future together. Every moment I imagined, I tried to dismiss my imagination because I know I would always end up in disappointments. I wish we could talk more, yet I know distance makes things so tough and almost impossible. There have been a few times when we talked more and those times made me a little more hopeful. Then, I have to crush my own hopes all over again because I need to protect my own heart. It is very tiring and torturing because I feel that I am just playing the mind games on my own.

Will any good come out of this? I often wondered. I am willing to sacrifice and put in the effort, but I need to know he is ready to love someone so flawed and imperfect like me.

'Til then, I can't say I am any love our relationship expert. I am probably the worst of any possible love consultant as I fail miserably at all times.


Popular Posts