Why is it even an option?

I am at one of the biggest crossroads in my life. Tomorrow, I will find out if I have that one option which will change my life, perhaps forever. Yet today. I am sitting here with barely 5 hours sleep having finished my OT case past midnight. With a cup of Nescafe Gold (yes, without sugar), I am still contemplating if I should even consider the result tomorrow as an option.

No, I cannot make up my mind.

I would be deemed the stupidest woman if I were to get the offer yet turn it down for no clear, cut valid reasons. Few of my closest family and friends try to convince me that my decision should be my decision alone - the most important thing is to have that peace from God and not approval from mankind. Do not bother about what other judge regarding your decision, they say. Easier said than done, really. Regardless of which road I take, I foresee myself regretting it somehow. It is always easier to envision what you might have had or done the other way. Some would say, the grass always seems greener on the other side.

Do I really want to spend my life studying something I find really hard to digest or retain in my already wrecked brain - assuming I lose 1% of my brain cells every oncall and they do not regenerate. Am I able to do this so-called rote learning, repeating over and over again, yet not able to recall anything I scribbled down? Do I find joy in trying to understand the minute physiology of the particles in the human body and the drugs we use day to day basis? Yes, they are fascinating indeed, however, I find myself slowly losing passion after many unhappy incidents at work for the past few months,

Or, did I just dramatise everything? Maybe things are not as mad as they seem to be. Maybe I am just being really judgmental towards myself and giving myself excuses not to pursue something I once thought I could try.

A couple of years ago, I had a wise senior at work telling me that it is very important to think about what you really want in life. It is not wrong if you opt for family, you do not have to go all out for your career but it does eat into many other areas of your life. If money is your main agenda, it is also alright - at least you know you should be pursuing it at the right place - not a place where hard work leads to being called a 'specialist' with substandard pay. I gave that piece of advice many rounds of thoughts. I really wanted family because I want to sleep and wake up with someone beside me (yes, my king size temp smart 2.0 mattress may be ultra comfortable with pillows and bolsters, but no - I still think a companion sounds more substantial) everyday and having someone I can have a family with.

That said, the family option is not something you can just pursue for, say if, there is no one pursuing you and you're hitting 31 in a month's time. The older you get, the fewer new single people you meet. It does not help also if you lead a rather boring, monotonous life and does not know how to flirt. I look at my own so-called 'dating resume'.

31, Female. Never really dated anyone. Infatuated with two separate individuals at age 16-17 and age 23-25. Pursued by a two or three in the past, none deemed suitable nor serious. Rather plain and boring personality, perhaps. Sleeps early, generally and seldom goes out socialising. Does not do clubbing. Limited knowledge in movies, celebrities or famous people. Enjoys tennis but the last time she touched a racquet was 5 years ago. Only recently started liking actors such as Eddie Redmayne and Hugh Jackman. 

Oh well.

Really, have I digressed?

Yah. I really do not know now if I can take working such a stressful job and studying at the same time, for about another half a decade or so? Do I really want to achieve that? Would I be happy after I finally accomplish all that?

I started with one question. I ended up with even more questions I cannot even start to imagine how to start scripting the answers.


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