You do not choose

I have always been the victim of unrequited loves. Being there time and time again, I have since decided to protect myself by being strong and not fall easily for the same trap. I stopped considering the possibilities of having someone to spend my life with and started believing that I could be the Wonder Woman I never thought I could become. I dismissed meeting up friends and buried myself in books. I was really doing all those because I was spiteful and given up hope on real love.

They say, you do not choose who you fall for.

Something then happened end of last year. Something which is now probably not worth mentioning.

I must have let my heart slip away too easily. I started believing I might have someone, after all. It is alright to have met him a little later in life, say, in my thirties. I thought it was everything I never expected - the irony of everything I was against in the past. I broke my own rules and made exceptions because I thought that was how life always turns out to be - expect the unexpected.

I failed. 

I ruined it for myself when I broke my own rules of falling for someone who does not even respect nor accept the most fundamental value in my life. 

God has been in control all along, I realised. Despite having palpitations almost everyday from Nov 20th 'til early January, I had been praying. I prayed that God take him away from me if it is really not His will. It was not, after all.

God is good. He knew I would falter and He did not let me fall too deep. He took me out and I was almost like a zombie by the time I was out of the water. I was trying to swim the ocean which was not meant for me. 

I often then wonder. If God is really in control, then how about the turmoils I am going through now? 'Turmoils' may be too strong a word to use. Perhaps, it is a confusion of some sort. A tickle in my heart. A curious interest which grew into a fond attraction. Why bring someone else at such a time into my life? I am at a crossroad where I do not know which path to pursue. I want some assurance, a kind of affirmation - but I know, that is asking for too much. 

You do not choose who you fall for.

Indeed. 

Two years ago, if you asked me - I could not quite believe all these would be happening to me. Yes, I always wanted to get married yada yada yada, but the reality has always been harsher to me. I was too caught up with my work and never bothered meeting new people. 'Advertising' was clearly not my forte. I recall my former medical school friend (let's call him Persk) telling me off at my whatsapp display picture, "Lynn, you need to stop taking pictures with dogs and start finding yourself a guy." Uh-huh. I shrugged it off with a laugh because I never really bothered. I always felt that the more you try to find the one, the more you would never even meet anyone. No?

At the least expected moment when you thought you were done with hoping, you unintentionally meet a new person whom you wonder to yourself, why haven't we met all these years? 

How complicated. Or so I thought. I probably was playing with fire in the past and nearly got burnt before a huge splash of water took me out to safety zone. This time around, it is not fire I am playing with. It is a slow burning coal of some sort, something I got warmed up with rather steadily but the danger of this slow warming system is that if the heat gets too high, I may get burnt slowly but not knowingly. My heart may get charred without even realising, then it would be too late. 

 How then should I go about?
1. Shut it off now. Right now. Stop everything. Build the wall. Turn my heart into a stone once again. 
- tough one, considering my mantra of you don't choose who you fall for

2. Be blatantly honest. Ask him if he has affinity to confirm any mutuality or unrequitedness. 
- equally tough, duh. The last time with Jasp(*not real name) it took me almost three years and a walk around Battersea Park in futile silence before I finally resorted to a long anonymous letter-writing. Silly, yes but those times taught me a few good lessons which shaped who I am today. So, being straight forward may just make or break, I suppose? I probably should consider this option more seriously. Let's just see...

3. (Try to) Forget about all these thoughts. Carry on with everything else.
Yes! For all I know, it is just me being delusional and over analysing like always. This option is more of an avoidance rather than handling the situation proper. I have been straddling on this most days. Dismissing my ideas always tend to be the more rational thing to do. Because, really, who would love a broken girl like me?




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