Hopeless

My heart sank when I saw the blood gas results. Worsening acidosis. Every other parameter was going downhill. In the next few hours, we ended up inserting a HD catheter, attempting dialysis and increasing more inotropes.

Nothing worked. The patient deteriorated.

My superior counselled the family members. They were understanding, but you could see how crushed they were. Tears welled up in their eyes. They were fidgety. 

My hands were cold when I showed them to the sink for handwashing. I recalled how hopeless I was in an ICU many years ago, when the same thing happened to me. I cried so bad my contact lenses could just fall off.

It is only then I realised. That hopeless-ness. That stinging kind of feeling you get when you realised you just cannot do anything. It is heart wrenching. Disappointing. You call yourself a doctor and your patient is dying in front of you and you cannot do anything.

Hopeless-ness.

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