All too familiar

Contrary to the usual days, I found it harder to get up in the morning today. I snoozed my alarm at least three times before I finally made it at 630am. Forced myself for a 25-minute HIIT workout and another 10-minute intense abs workout. Made it to church for Palm Sunday.

From there, everything else went down hill. I came back before noon and dozed off on the couch. Woke up, had some cereals, a piece of dark chocolate, forced myself to read some pulmonary physiology and then went back to the couch for a snooze. My dreams were florid, a sign that I have been oversleeping. 

These are all too familiar.

I know, deep down inside, these signs and symptoms mean one thing - the big D (ie depression) is setting in. Hypersomnolence happens to be my most prominent symptom. The next one would be excessive binge eating, followed by weight gain. It is all too familiar. Happened numerous times, and I am afraid it is going to happen again.

Will I be able to combat this big D this time? 

I am turning thirty-one not long from now, I am in my best shape in my last five years and for the first time in the last half a decade too, I actually have a love interest (like, yeah, finally). I should not fall into all these demotivated routine and excessive sleeping. I should not resort to consuming huge amounts of calories and stick myself into an unhealthy vicious cycle of binge eating and weight gain.

Those days should be over, really. I should be stronger in every facet of my life. 

I guess I actually know what is making me a little mellow and down these days. The myriads of my action, reaction and expectations all thrown into a big bowl of confusion. I do not know how to comprehend even my stand in feelings as of now. I know I am overthinking, as always. It isn't just the overthinking - I am probably over hoping as well. I am wishing for too much. I surrounded myself with hope, dreams and made-believe happy tales which probably would never happen in reality. Did I fall in love with the idea of being in love, instead? 

Many may condemn me - how could you say you would accept a person for life when you do not even know him? 

I have no concrete arguments to that. It is just me being me. I always decide and stick to my choices. I know how feelings may always morph. I know how excitement may die down one day. It is that constant commitment and choice that I have made daily which keeps me going. However, once I sense that there is no mutuality (like the many that happened in the past), I would end up broken and it is this brokenness that convinces me that truly, I would never meet someone whom I have mutuality with.

Until, of course, recently. But even so, I am not very sure anymore. I have since begin to doubt my instincts and mere feelings. 

It is hard to pretend I am not excited when I wake up seeing that text reply on my phone, or the times that he suggested to ring each other. It is, however, easy to be disappointed when you see your reply has been read but not reciprocated. It is tough because I think I have fallen a little deeper than I expected. I need to pull myself up again and pretend nothing is going on. 

Some say it is all about how you play the game.

I disagree.  I am not out there to play games. If you had known me, you would know it is terribly hard for me to fall for a person and the fact that it has happened - it is a precious thing. So yes, I believe I really need to drag myself out of all these because I would simply end up heart broken, as always.

Got to turn my heart into a stone once more...


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