The lack of direction

I have been working for four years but still lacking a clear-cut direction in life.

Some days, I get really motivated about my career - I feel that I should be working harder, gaining more knowledge and experience and one day be an anaesthetist in my own right.

Most other days, I lose motivation to study or carry on. I just wanted to lead a so-called normal life with time for hobbies. I dream of migrating to a country where the weather is not scorching hot , places are clean and people are civil.

Truth is, my life would never be normal. I work during public holidays. Some days, I work nonstop stretching over 24 hours without a wink of sleep. I neglect my meals and eat crap when the hunger pangs haunt. I overdose myself with caffeine and get bad withdrawals and side effects after.

Despite all that, I still feel so inadequate regarding many things in my daily practice. I am still unsure about most things when it comes to cause and effect. I am clueless most of the time. I try to read, yet most times I just cannot retain anything I attempt on. Most days I like to blame it on the age, but I do realise the concentration factor is something I have been lacking at all times.

In the area of relationships, it is close to none. In fact, it is nil. There has not been a man whom I think would worth me sacrificing my life to be with. Such irony - I was someone who always thought the ideal life is to be shared with a husband and children. The me today is not only struggling with career and weight, I also had no possible candidate to even try out as a date. To make matters worse, I got transfered to a small district made up of an elderly, ageing population.

So directions. Where am I heading to?

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