"I've been dying a little bit each day since you came into my life"

The CNY week is sort of over. I am back to work on Day 4 (and oncall!) of CNY. It has been really tough trying to battle the illness I picked up last week - the unproductive cough, itchy throat and nasal congestion. The cough has only started but my skull feels like it is going through some bad concussion since this morning. The ginger tea remedy has kicked in last night but I did not wake up early enough to slice some ginger to bring to work, hence here I am - ginger-less for the night.

To digress a little, I have since watched 3 movies last week -

Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace (on Astro's FOX HD)
Star Wars Episode II - The Attack of The Clones (also on FOX HD)
Catch Me If You Can (on iFlix)

I think I am actually catching up on movies not too bad these days. It isn't something to be proud of, honestly speaking. It is just me trying to catching up with years of missed life. I have never expected my thirty year old self to becoming someone who would make an effort to watch movies. This is just so not me.

That said, I am still pretty clueless about what I really want to do with my life. I know I enjoy anaesthetics (since that F Year in medical school, yeaps) but executing it is really different than just proclaiming that you enjoy something. I feel that people around me do not quite understand the impossibilities that I am encountering. It is just not as easy as sitting for a paper. I am trying very hard to study - churning every bit of phsyiology or pharmacology, but somehow my brain capacity seems a bit restricted of late. I cannot seem to consolidate anything into long term memory. I attempted sample questions as well - I fare between 10-15% - how am I supposed to PASS AN EXAM WITH SUCH STANDARDS??!

Devastated, I am. It is pretty sad to see a former top scorer in school to end up struggling and contemplating just not going further after the MBBS. Many days I end up on my Temp Smart 2.0 king size bed thinking that I rather just sleep than trying to make my brain absorb anymore thing that makes no sense. I feel so defeated yet I find no one to be able to share this to because everyone else seems to be doing well.

HELLO. I am thirty, I should be at the prime of my life, not struggling to understand some minute cardiac physiology like how the arterial compliance affect pulse pressure or why an increase in stroke volume raises systolic pressure more than it raises diastolic pressure. You get what I mean? I should be enjoying work during stipulated WORKING hours - beyond that, it should mean time for recreation, sports, leisure, and church.

No matter how much I rant, I know - things will never change for the better because everyone else is moving on. I am the only static one.


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