Striking the balance

It is ironic that the once dreamer me who wanted to get married in my twenties has become someone so cynical and a woman of 'no effort'.

I often get comments from my peers telling me to put more effort into socialising and meeting people so that I perhaps, may meet a potential spouse along the way. While I agree that I am getting pretty boring and anti-social these days, I do not thoroughly agree that going out often would land me a husband any time soon.The circle is too small nowadays. Men are either married, engaged or gay.

Putting in the effort?

That, to me, is trying way too hard, being way too desperate. I do not seem to be able to fall for people in situations like that. To me, falling for man is not a voluntary thing. It is unplanned and often enough, not by your own choice. I never choose to fall for Jasper. In fact, I consciously tried to not fall for him. But the heart does not choose to listen to the mind. I fell hard.

It has been so many years and it seems like I am still dwelling in the past. I often think about how silly I was and how cruel he was. On the surface, it seems like I could not move on. I often wonde to myself, why still dwell in the past?

That, I suppose, is the coping mechanism.I had to think and analyse the past because it made me feel that I have let go and moved on. I had to convince myself by revisiting the memories. I often still look back at the photos I keep in my tin box. I wanted those memories to feel real because they actually have started to feel rather unreal these days. Telling my stories felt like telling a fantasy most of the time these days. Nobody would be interested to know the details, obviously. But I like to paint myself the victim. I wanted the memories to last, no matter how painful they were.

Now you must be wondering.. what a pyschotic woman we have got here.

Oh, wait. I think I have digressed again.

I think I initially planned on writing about striking the balance (re: title) between trying and waiting. There are two school of thoughts when it comes to meeting the right person in your life. I have a group of friends who tell me that I should not be desperate because it is the moment you let go and sit back, that is when love comes. Unexpectedly. Just like that. The harder you try, the less likely you would even find anyone.

On the other hand, another group of friends would blatantly tell me that I am never going to get married because all I do is sleep and work. No life, they would say. How do you expect yourself to even meet anyone if you sleep at 9pm everyday?

So.. where do I stand now?

I think I am leaning towards the more 'no effort' side of things. I am contented at having an ipad in bed and a cosy house to live in. I decline dinner plans because I choose to sleep early. I gave up meeting new people because I am just too comfortable being in my own circle of peers.I prefer hanging out with colleagues whom I am familiar with.

I am simply not making enough effort, I know. I do not expect a fairy tale to happen either. I am too tired to even wish to meet a man who may one day be my husband.

This, perhaps.. is a sign..

that I am going to the museum, after all.


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