Sunday, August 11, 2013

I haven't written

It is not because I did not want to write but my job has swallowed me. I have worked 9 months and I still feel inadequate, incompetent and borderline foolish, if you may ask me honestly. Every single thing I do, I try to put the patients first. I try my best to do what is best for them. But there are times when I doubt what I was instructed to do may be best for the patient. Who am I to argue, yet how can I carry on with the conscience? I don't cut corners, I can't bring myself to lie.. And at the end of the day, I only get screwed over and over again.

I have stopped doing what I enjoy doing.. I hardly work out, my weight piles on and my hormones driving me crazy. I feel so drained. I feel hopeless. I can't even fit in my clothes now. I often just end up reduced in tears. I wish I had a stronger will, a bigger heart and a hardier soul. Yet, I get ridiculed all the times. I become reserved and a almost selfish. I become heartless because I have lost since I started being pushed from all directions. I have a thirst for knowledge but I just don't have the time to even quench that thirst. As dry as a prune and as bitter as a nut (oh fine, nuts are not supposed to be bitter I know) are what I have become.

How can I live another day like this.. Life is bigger than these. My life has been destroyed by the very profession which was supposed to be 'life preserving'.

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