Closing this department

I have been thinking since I came back home. An overview of things happening at home made me realise that enourmous amount of effort in maintaining a household. This is just maintaining - and I am not even talking about maintaining a happy one.

The effort is beyond words. I am in awe at how much work one has to put in just to get life moving day to day. From simple housework to preparing meals to tidying and cleaniness.. it is impossible for me to achieve with a career I have in my hands.

So, I surrender.

I cannot imagine putting myself in a situation when I find everything a chore and lose the will to live. The only way one can survive this entire ordeal lies in this very simple yet powerful ingredient - Love. It is only with and by Love that one is able to carry out so much work in maintaining a household. I, on the other side, do not believe I could ever create a pretend 'love' just to make myself believe I could have a family one day. I would love to have my own family. However, I just cannot imagine having it with someone I do not love.

Therefore, I have concluded that I shall close this department in my life. For years, I have been falling for the wrong men and having wrong people fancying me. It not only hurts, it is a total waste of time and effort. Never mind my dream of getting married by 24 - the 26-year-old me today realised that I really do not ever want to put myself in such a weary situation. I do not want to face people I cannot find myself loving. Why force, then? It becomes a chore. Then, the complaints start. After that, you get so tired and disappointed. Nobody would appreciate your contribution. No one would ever thank you. You only get blamed.

So, no. I detest the idea now. I cringe at the very thought. I think in this sense, I am pretty selfish. But then again, is not everyone selfish? We want to be loved and cherished. However, I just want to love. But all people do is hurt me back. So I guess I am closing this dream. It is goodbye for now.

I cannot tell you how much happier being on my own. I do not have to report to whosoever what I am doing or what time would I call. I do not have to share my ideas with people. I can just be alone, absorbed in my own world.. of emptiness.


jazz said…
Awww.. u shouldnt give up trying tho. But yes, it is hard juggling the whole household chores with a full time job. No need to say a full time doctor.

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