Between two extremes

It is true - I have lost 90% of my drive and motivation in this profession. I blame it on the length, the poor transition to clinical school, the childhood dream, lack of opportunities at home, no system ecetra. By last year, I was really unsure about this so-called 'calling'. I felt trapped. Bored. Not to mention, pretty rubbish too.

Yes, I've been full of excuses to the point I felt really disgusted at myself. I was just hanging around trying to survive. I was not sure how I would be able to face the world. I felt sick deep down inside me. I was the exact type of person I detested the most - ungrateful, not motivated and all with the wrong motives in life.

It got so bad that I for my selective component (a 4-week block of placement where you could choose whatever field of medicine you want to do), I chose something out of convenience with the main aim that I would be able to steal more time off for my non-existent revision.

You know how they say, things happen when you least expect them to happen? That was exactly what happened to me. I found myself genuinely (and I can't even emphasize that enough) enjoying this firm. I don't think I am smart enough to be a physician, nor am I efficient enough to do surgery. But I felt that my passion has been reignited these four weeks. It is hard to describe. Some of the meetings I attended as a fourth year student last year, I ended up sleeping in the meetings.. but this time around, my eyes were big and I was following the meeting enthusiastically. This is a stark difference from the ugh-I'm-so-sien attitude. I suddenly felt the urge to want to properly pursue this career. I have no partner or spouse to consider - why not put my all into this career? After all, everyone who has reached this stage (ie consultants) must have worked really hard in the past. No one get to where they are today without hard work.

Like what mummy said of certain people who a bit of 'xing ku' also cannot take it.. now I get what she means. I totally get her. Goodbye social life. Possible goodbye tennis, Combat and Spin.

On the other hand, sometimes I just don't like to pretend that I know what I want to pursue. It always do not end up that way. You know how some people keep saying they want to do A, B or C.. but end up not doing anything? I fear that if I planned too much, nothing would just turn out to be right.

I think between those two extremes, leaves a fearful and tearful girl - Coco the pessimist.

Today, I have decided that I should take that first step. First step to pass Finals. And then get ready for the real deal.

Welcome, medicine.

I want to push myself to the max - and if I still fail to progress, then it is time to say enough. At least I know I have tried. If I do not even try, how would I have known that I could or couldn't make it?

I have nothing to lose.. I must strive. Hard. Real hard.

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