Between those laughters

The nearer we are to exams, the more insane my group of friends and I become.

And I would not apologise for that.

Skinting. That is what I believe we are. The urban dictionary describes it as 'being relaxed but being stressed out at the same time'. How paradoxical. At least, I believe I am. I am over the panic phase when I would be updating my best friend almost everyday about how near I was to finals. Nowadays, I could even spend an hour in gym toiling away and wishing I never had gone on the spinning class instead of say, reading Kumar and Clark.

But at times, I have periods when I suddenly get teary and then I thought of all the so-called 'good ol' days'. So-called, because they were never really good. I often wondered how come I've become such a distant, cold creature. I've turned myself into a monster. I get uptight. I get irritate at single guys easily. I really don't know since when I've become such a monster in this area of my life. It irritates myself as much, trust me.

But it is alright. It is alright because I realised I have gained as much as I've lost. We often tend to reminisce with a sigh, but retrospective perception is one which is so powerful. I look at many things in retrospection and often build a plot out of them. It aches to dwell in the sorrow of what never had been. It aches so much that even though I declared it out loud I am well over him. It still aches. It aches because I believe there never had been a proper resolution to a very wrecked, lopsided friendship.

Moving on. It is my current theme. I can't help but be happier at other times when he does not come into the mind. Every thing seems to be more calm, better organised and lack that manic-ness. I can live with it. I know I can. I sometimes can't help but feel thankful for this wreck. The no-answer was actually an answer in itself. I am truly grateful.

You see, I contradict myself all the time. I sound delusional.. I perhaps am. I don't know. I can't help it. This is call exam-induced insanity.

Hehe.

"It blew my mind that he had the audacity to walk away without having an actual conversation with me, when he knew exactly how I felt about him." - Choose. Love.

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