Two years ago
Two years ago around this time, I was in the heaviest of my heart to leave home for the land I've been dreaming to step foot on, the land who conquered so many lands that they once said the sun never sets in the British empire.
And yes, that is London I am talkin about. Who would have thought two years later, this London became such a havoc after all these riot going on. But we shall save that for another day.
I was heavy-hearted because I thought I had fell. It was a confusing time of my life. I was afraid because all my experiences of falling for someone had all eventually led to heart brokenness. I was scared history would repeat itself.
You see - I am a predictable pattern. Go near me, and I will get irritated. So irritated because I probably sense that you fancy me. I get so repellent towards almost all the guy who showed some interest. I can sense it - call it a female's intuition. Anyway, I recognised this trend in me so I feared. Oddly, I started finding this one getting close to me yet myself looking forward to the chats we had. The middle of night calls. Little did I realised, I was having premature ventricular ectopics. Flutter. Whatever. My cardiology sucks but still.....
I told myself. If this was mutual, this is it. No more playing games. Once and for all.
But on the other side, I was being realistic. Back to to my heavy hearted tale. I was heavy hearted to come to this great metropolitan city because I knew I had to face this for real. No running away and hide behind online chats. I knew disappointment would ensue. I knew it because I didn't have the looks nor personality. Stupid hormones. Whatever reasons my heart when into flutter rhythm and cardiomegaly (read: heavy hearted), life still had to go on.
I touched down Heathrow Airport 14 August 2009. The very next day, I faced my greatest nightmare. Haha. You can guess. I shan't even say. The day I dreaded the most. But I think I handled it alright. I came back walking along Garratt Lane with a conclusion - it will never happen. I was right over and over throughout my two years here since. I was emotionally muddled up for as long as I could remember. The amount of analysis that went through my head and personal journal could amount up to a thesis possibly justifiable for a PhD.
The years have gone by. I though hitting 25 this year meant I knew what I would do with my life. I still find myself allowing to believe with my defective heart (arrhythmia + cardiomegaly!) that maybe there was a flicker of hope, even though the brain clearly knew there was none. I allowed myself to live in a whirlwind turmoil for two years. Some say it was a result of a million mixed signals. I think it was all my own fault for allowing myself to behave and think the way I did.
Wise counsels left right centre tell me he hasn't got the slightest interest in me. Even a fool can tell that. How evident it is when we hang out in a group. I am always the one feeling left out. But then I justified - that's always the case anyway. Whether it is him. Or other people. Everytime I think of him, I died a little. I started dying the day we met. I knew I was doomed. There won't be any chance.
Only after two years of of my great prime years gone down the drain because I chose to think of him as dearly as family, I am left thinking.. this is not it. It will never be it. I needed a closure. I really needed it. I attempted. By sending a Christmas card to him on his birthday. I never got a reply until a month later.
I want to say my goodbye. I cannot always treat you like family because one day, you will have your own and I would be left alone.
How could I even feel the slightest hop every time we talk yet at the very same moment you were thinking of f***ing her. And I could truly testify the give free but no one wants theory with you.
How many more hearts should be broken before I meet the one?
So true when they say we don't choose who we fall in love with. I wish I had chosen. But no, we don't choose. That makes matters so much more complicated.
I can choose to be bitter. But I want to thank you. Because. Because I would, if you do. And you didn't. So, thank you.