Some things remain the same

Eight years ago, I thought I had this major crush on this particular guy whose birthday was slightly a month ahead of mine. He was someone whom I met through mIRC 2 years prior. We had those harmless (rather, pointless) chats on the internet and it soon blossomed into a oh-I-must-chat-with-him-everyday affair.

I could list 10001 reasons why I should not even fall for him. He was nothing like the ideal man I had in mind. He was nowhere near, in fact. He was the rebel type. But I just could not help but be attracted to him. I just could not understand why. I fought the feeling so hard. I tried so, so hard.

In the midst of it, he defined my teenage world. He was the one who made me smile at that batu handphone every time a text comes in. He was the one who called me and talked with a deep, husky voice over the phone. He was the one who made my heart skipped a beat every time I bump into him after tuition. He was the one who drained my monthly prepaid phone credit. He was the first guy who rode in my car after I got my driver's license. He knew I fancied him. I knew he didn't feel the same towards me. But I was of convenience to him. So why not just play along?

I knew I was on the wrong track. I fought it for 1.5 long years before I could finally let go and realised that my dreams have dissipated into a blurry nightmare which I soon woke up from.

Ever since then, I never really fancied any guy for real. This first guy has set the standards for what was soon to come. I told myself I just have to fight it for the most 1.5 years and I would be able to get over something I know that does not belong to me. It has nearly been a decade since the first MAJOR crush. You'd think I have learnt my lesson, no?

I think I have never really changed after all, albeit such a bad experience and being called an adult now.


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