I do not understand

I do not understand why mutuality does not exist in my vocabulary. Why is that I always fall for the wrong things at the wrong time with the wrong mindset? Why am I always lost.. why am I always just not in the correct frequency. In the wrong circumstances. Wrong physique. Wrong everything!

I know.. I should not be saying everything is wrong. God has promised that all things will be beautiful in its own time. I have waited for so long.. it is worth waiting, my friend told me. But I have waited for just so, so long! I sometimes get tired. Weary. I find that I lose the steam. I feel lost. I need a drive.

I thought I found one, but it failed me big time. Again. Like always. Why does it always happen to me? I really do not wish or hope for much! Yet...

They say chemistry is a complex thing. It isn't even a 'thing'! I think it is definitely complex. Nerve wrecking. Can-never-understand. I would love to love as how I would be loved. Or the other way round.

Anyway, why am I lamenting so much here? There is a hand I cannot hold, a shoulder I cannot lean on, an arm I cannot squeeze. I look blankly at the screen and tell myself it is fine. I am fine, actually. But sometimes I just feel lost. I miss certain things in life. It has left a hole in me.

Having said that, I actually emerged stronger. I will keep waiting.. I have waited so many years, it does not matter a few more years. Or would it be a life-long wait?

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