Tuesday, August 16, 2016

The £3 duvet cover

He showed off his ikea haul of a £3 duvet cover. I was clearly smitten at such a good deal. Why didn't you get me a set, I asked. He argued back, how would he know I wanted.

We then walked around Battersea Park. I was still heavy hearted, not knowing how to voice out my actual reason of meeting up. We walked in silence, I took a photo of our shadows, the only proof we ever walked that park.

It was time for me to take the bus back to SW17. I still had not told him what I planned to - I did not know how to. He walked me to the bus stop and before I boarded the bus, he shoved a shopping bag into my hands.

It was the £3 duvet cover!

I told him I could get them myself at ikea in Croydon after all. He insisted.

That was the last time we spent time together.

He finally made the choice of leaving me, with a £3 duvet cover which I still use til this day.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Sleep, procrastination and avoidance

I sometimes cannot believe that I have turned into a sloth - procrastinating and avoiding altogether at all cost.

Most of my friends mock me for sleeping so much. I agree that I sleep more than an average thirty year old. However, most do not actually know that at one of my lowest points in life, I was having hypersomnolence as part of my coping mechanism for depression. Little have I realised that the excessive sleeping I have been doing nowadays is a reflection of what I am trying to cope with - the low points in life.

A few days ago, I saw that it was his birthday on facebook. I felt a little nostalgic when memories flashed by my mind. Did he make me a better person? Most people disagreed. I felt that even though I was made so little by him, the few years have made me realise how strong love could be and grow to be. It showed me a glimpse of sacrificial love, a type of love where everything you do is effortless yet so fulfilling - things that keep you going and smiling. A glimpse, I emphasise - because it was only just a glimpse. The big picture was not a pretty one.

So, I choose to sleep. Sleep can make me forget many things. Sleep can allow dreams to seep through and bring me away from reality. I sleep because being awake reminds me of ugly truths which destroy me.

Monday, June 13, 2016

A whirlwind of

I am sometimes quite amazed at how time can just fly by so swiftly. The last time I wrote here was a month and half ago. I had always wanted to rant out here - would be planning my blog posts mentally every day, yet I never executed them. This is the evidence of how reduced my screen (lap top) time has become. Blame it on the defects-filled laptop (ASUS from 2010 or something like that) which has a rubbish keyboard and bugs at every corner possible. Today, I somehow brilliantly thought of plugging in an external keyboard, saving my the pain of clicking on the missing keys on the on-screen keyboard.

That aside.

I have become a sluggish sloth and a fat woman. Sad, but true. Without proper monitoring, I have since crept up a couple of kilos on the scale, evidently showing on my swollen stricken face and flabby tummy.

It is actually rather discouraging because I am not convinced that I actually binge eat that much. Neither have I been neglecting my working out sessions. I try to comply to at least 30 minutes of functional or total body workouts almost every day. I do not know what I have been doing wrong - should I be starving myself or water intoxicate myself?

The latest news regarding the contestants of The Biggest Loser gaining all their weight back and finding it even harder to maintain or fighting the weight off kind of rings a bell in me. I truly believe that I have screwed my body so much that I would gain weight just with any calorie intake more than 500 a day. It is really tough and continues to remain one of my life-long unfinished battles.

Me at my fattest (in Bali this year)

Thought I was fat back then (nope, nowhere fatter than now)

(even this seems like the so-called 'ideal' size)

Oh well.

What can I say or lament. Every other thing seems like it is not going on as planned. Everything seems to falter and fall into wrong places. Situations, timings, circumstances... be it career, family or finances.

Having rambled so much on the negative side of things, I really should start to work harder rather than sit there and faff around. No use reminiscing the good old days when running 5km and falling in love could maintain you in a good shape without worrying about pub food. 

Before I leave in a sad note, I must share a couple of photos from Bali - a trip with my two other college roommates a decade ago. Beautiful cliff scenes and happening beach areas!

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Getting out of the comfort zone

Today, my whole world changed.

It was just like any other weekend working day for me, albeit a freer type. I was doing my CME presentation in the computer room when the (almost) Head of Dept popped by and asked me the question that left me speechless.

She asked if I could go to *insert small town's name* for a year.

All of a sudden, I did not know how to react despite my multiple hypothetical questionings and scenarios I have been rehearsing in my mind since last year. I often wondered how would it feel like having to move once more. It was and always have been my greatest phobia having moved so many times to so many places.

It is only hours later it sank into me that all my premonitions before this finally have come through. I suddenly could not concentrate on my 'Managing The Difficult Airway In The Syndromic Child' preparation. I was practically dumbfounded.

Flashes of memories gushed through my mind. I am just about to build a life here. I just got used to the roads in this city. I have just started joining a small group where I felt belonged. I am just about to get used to hoovering and mopping the floor every 10 days in the detached house I live in.

Yet.. this verse just came to me

Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

A little hope, crushed

There has been so much going through my mind now that I can't possibly explain everything single detail. Funny thing is, I always mentally compose blog posts while I am driving, promising myself to write them down and publish before those thoughts and feelings disappear. However, I never seem to be able to execute any of the planned posts. At all.

I don't even know where to start.

Suffice to say, there were news that I found out which made me start to wonder if I really should give it another shot at my far fetched anaesthetic career.  Patrick Wong's words always echo in my ears every time I thought of giving up. He once told me not to give up because I would be able to do it one day. Do not be scared or timid. Alright, maybe I paraphrased a little but the gist was there. My future seems bleak and my soul so weak (I earnestly prefer watching YouTube videos, reading story books and hanging out with friends over reading and highlighting Stoelting, Peter Kam or TE Peck!), but.. Since I haven't got anything else to go after ie money or family, why not just invest in a career?

Mind you. It is such a conflict in my innerself. There are so many decisions to make and so little time and space for me to even consider. I sometimes wonder if I am able to pull through these tough times. Most of the time I would just prefer to curl in my RM4k-worth TempSmart 2.0 king sized bed and pretend that every thing will be okay.

But nothing seems right. Everything seems wrong. I have decisions to make, paths to plan and tons of textbooks to read and understand.

Yet here I am.. In bed, once again.