Saturday, April 30, 2016

Getting out of the comfort zone

Today, my whole world changed.

It was just like any other weekend working day for me, albeit a freer type. I was doing my CME presentation in the computer room when the (almost) Head of Dept popped by and asked me the question that left me speechless.

She asked if I could go to *insert small town's name* for a year.

All of a sudden, I did not know how to react despite my multiple hypothetical questionings and scenarios I have been rehearsing in my mind since last year. I often wondered how would it feel like having to move once more. It was and always have been my greatest phobia having moved so many times to so many places.

It is only hours later it sank into me that all my premonitions before this finally have come through. I suddenly could not concentrate on my 'Managing The Difficult Airway In The Syndromic Child' preparation. I was practically dumbfounded.

Flashes of memories gushed through my mind. I am just about to build a life here. I just got used to the roads in this city. I have just started joining a small group where I felt belonged. I am just about to get used to hoovering and mopping the floor every 10 days in the detached house I live in.

Yet.. this verse just came to me

Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

A little hope, crushed

There has been so much going through my mind now that I can't possibly explain everything single detail. Funny thing is, I always mentally compose blog posts while I am driving, promising myself to write them down and publish before those thoughts and feelings disappear. However, I never seem to be able to execute any of the planned posts. At all.

I don't even know where to start.

Suffice to say, there were news that I found out which made me start to wonder if I really should give it another shot at my far fetched anaesthetic career.  Patrick Wong's words always echo in my ears every time I thought of giving up. He once told me not to give up because I would be able to do it one day. Do not be scared or timid. Alright, maybe I paraphrased a little but the gist was there. My future seems bleak and my soul so weak (I earnestly prefer watching YouTube videos, reading story books and hanging out with friends over reading and highlighting Stoelting, Peter Kam or TE Peck!), but.. Since I haven't got anything else to go after ie money or family, why not just invest in a career?

Mind you. It is such a conflict in my innerself. There are so many decisions to make and so little time and space for me to even consider. I sometimes wonder if I am able to pull through these tough times. Most of the time I would just prefer to curl in my RM4k-worth TempSmart 2.0 king sized bed and pretend that every thing will be okay.

But nothing seems right. Everything seems wrong. I have decisions to make, paths to plan and tons of textbooks to read and understand.

Yet here I am.. In bed, once again.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016


Movie count this year = 9
Book count this year = 0

Latest film I watched was Joy.

 Speaking of joy as the word on its own, I started to ponder - has joy dissipated off from my life?

Why is that I only complain even writing here? Where is that bursts of joy in the heart that make me leap, jump and dance? Where has the joy gone? Why should I be miserable, stressed out and exhausted all the time?

Is there no positive thing at all in my life?

Or do I only find joy sleeping in bed on a rainy day?

I am hitting thirty really soon. I wrote a letter to my thirty self some years ago. I probably should revisit that letter soon. I did not actually envision myself living my life this way, after all. I have lost direction and many times, lost the hope too.



I really should stop watching films on the ipad

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Slightly, or very much defeated

I am not sure I can do this. I do not actually recall 80-85% of the basic sciences I learnt some ten years ago. When I say I do not recall, I really mean it. Somewhere, some things do ring a bell but my brain cannot seem to retrieve any long term data. Every detail seems hazy to me. I am left guessing most of the times when it comes to multiple choice questions.

True of false.

I find that True/False questions are a real torture. Maybe it is because I have never been brought up to do this type of questions. The 50-50 probability really kills. The statements often leave you in so much doubt, you begin to question your own sanity.

I have been doing over 600 questions with very, very poor achievement so far. Hence, the title of my post today. I attempted to read from the basics but the brain simply cannot retain. That was when I thought maybe I should just do questions til I puke. I have yet to puke but I feel completely crushed. Defeated, at such.

Should I really give up. Is this worth the fight, when the brain clearly cannot consolidate anything anymore?

Sunday, February 14, 2016

The 2016 V Day

How has your V day been?

Mine is spent staying the weekend in the hospital on call. I suppose having the excuse of being on call is by far the best thing to avoid awkward questions when it comes to V day or V-related matters.

My rather cosy office

I am approaching thirty this year (yay!) and I haven't had a Valentine since the day I was born. It is funny because aside from my fluctuating weight problem, I actually think I am quite a good candidate for a normal man. Alright - so I do not cook, nor am I good in housekeeping. I do not dress up nor do I use make up. I sleep way too early at night and I prefer a home hangout than pub crawling. I suppose all my features just do not attract any normal person. Not my loss, entirely, I suppose. Who can actually stand a pessimist like me..

I suppose the me today is at a better position to reflect on my past in such a neutral stance. I watched The Holiday again two nights ago - such an impromptu choice. Strangely enough, I did not find any parallels of my sad state to Iris's pathetic rant on unrequited love. Yes, I had my share of very messy moments with a stupid Jasper. But all those have since dissipated into nothing-ness. I hardly feel the ache anymore.

And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy.
Instead, I find myself thinking Jude Law is not bad looking, actually. Hah haha.

So. Truly. I do not see why one should be attached or married now that women can be equally independent as men. Why would you subject yourself to be the wage earner, housekeeper, nanny and everything-else to a man when you actually can savour your earn earnings for yourself? Why do you have to share his commitment, carry his burden as well? Why should I even subject myself to all these when I can be as free as a bird now, without any string attached?

The answer is clear - it is only worth it IF, and only IF, you fall in love with a man without any reason, excuse or explanation. It has to happen just like that - no word to describe, nothing to comprehend. It is that chemistry. Like I always said, you do not choose who you fall for. And if it happens, it is worth the world to be with him.

'Til then.. no one is worth it. Men are just a waste of time.