Thursday, April 3, 2014

Giving up

I think I have overdone it again. 

Sometimes I think, I should at least try.. Give it my best shot and see how it goes. Even though I fail, at least I could tell myself I have given it an attempt. I won't be feeling as if I missed a chance. So that was what I did.. I tried. Perhaps too much.. So much so that I diluted all my intents into a cocktail of cheapness and plain ordinary junk. Perhaps slightly borderline annoying and repellance, I believe.. 

I am feeling a little crushed at the moment. Simply cannot hide that disappointment in me. 

What have I done wrong? Is it my size? My inappropriateness? My boring personality? My ultra busy job scope? 

Oh wells.

It is time to put a stop to my wishful thinkings, hopes and dreams. The reality is.. No one decent would ever consider me, not even in a thousand years. 

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The road taken

In 1995, in the very same house I am currently residing in, I made the decision to study hard for one sole reason - I needed to earn myself a scholarship. 

It finally materialised less than 10 years down the line. I earned myself a full scholarship for A Level and a partial overseas degree programme. I eventually graduated from one of the oldest (second??) medical schools in England. I never regretted one bit. 

It has been 10 years since I got the scholarship. I have since graduated and now training at a local hospital. Life has not been easy. I met with challenges, unhappy moments and plenty of stress. But looking back, I have not failed the goal I set for myself at the young age of 9 or so.

In 1995 too, my youngest sister was just born (end of 1994, to be exact). She led a completely different life as to us elder ones. She got almost everything she wanted, and even what I wanted (read: orthodontic braces). I bet, when she was my age, she did not even have a clear goal in life. Almost a spoilt brat, she just lived life as it was.. Maybe, til she reached 16 or so. She shot up to become a leader in school and probably, following her sisters' footsteps, she went on to garner a bursary and eventually earned herself a better place none of us would ever have imagined.

I must admit - I doubted her. I did not think she would have made it into one of the oldest and top dental schools in the UK. I thought it was impossible. She proved me wrong. 

I casually asked her, if I ever had a chance like her, would I ever be able to make it? She said of course. I am not sure. I had a very different path in terms of our scholarship offer. But it did make me think. Would I have gone to Cambridge, Oxford, Imperial or UCL?

Just a thought... 

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Almost pink

Bought another perfume (read: Chloe), not realising I have all of them in pink. Hmm. 

That aside, I am actually struggling in my studying effort. Another sign of hitting 30 soon?

Monday, March 10, 2014

You've got to wake up to reality

Last night, reality hit me. I have always wanted things my way - who was I to think I was that special that I would be the chosen one?

Reality finally sinks in. I would and always will be alone for a long time in my life. I am stubborn and would not compromise in heart-to-heart issues. I would not try for chemistry. I get repellant ever so easily.

It is alright while you have still got friends who are single and unattached. It can be fun not to have strings attached. Wonderful, when you can go out anytime to have tea with friends and dinner gatherings. But 10 years down the line, do you think it would feel the same way?

It is eerie for me to even think about it. Hard to believe that such a family person like me would end up not having any.. but don't think it is very surprising. They say the reverse always happens. It becomes quite sad when you see more and more people getting engaged and married. You realise you would eventually be left out.

Til then, 2 more daunting postings to go..

8 more months of tough life..

2 more years to hitting the big THIRTY!

Friday, February 28, 2014

Bought a new car

It has been a whirlwind. While one of my biggest dreams came true, one of my greatest nightmares is also coming true. What a strange twist.

Just when I started enjoying what I am doing.. Feeling happy and hyped up, a tragic news just came through. Work-related, by the way. It is going to jeopardise my career in the long run. It will destroy my plans etc. 

The old me would sit and cry. But no, I am saying no to any more tears for work matters. I am 28 this year. I thought I am handling it fairly well. I gave no emotional response. I stare and just frown. Hmm. It is alright. Life goes on. There are bigger things in life.