Sunday, February 19, 2017

The emotional attachment

I went to church this morning. Seated there, a sudden realisation that it is my first church service since Christmas. That's almost two months. The last time I went to church, we were still talking like 1247103 lines a day. I recalled how I snapped the Christmas message and sent it to him. I remembered how he would ask if I was getting ready to go to church, why was I texting while driving (I did not)...

And all those memories just came back to me whilst I was sitting there. Little did I know, the void of two months not being able to attend church due to work and travel caused such a vacuum, And now that I am back, things are visibly and invisibly different. I know - I should not be even talking about all these anymore (I promised I would not even write or talk about it), yet the sentimental me sometimes demand some self explanation and reasoning to satisfy myself. His name has dropped down bottom at the Whatsapp list and may disappear even sooner than I thought.

Funny how things have turned out to be. Expected or unexpected. Definitely unexpected. After this failed course of trying to get to know someone, I possibly would not subject myself to the same situation anymore. Or so I thought. I think the emotional thirst is there most days and you get affected when you want to talk so much yet get no reply. 

That said, I have filled myself with my weekly dose of The Graham Norton show yesterday during my post call day and then completed the Season 4 of Sherlock.

Saturday, February 18, 2017


1. Buy myself a decent watch
No, I do not need to dream of getting Nadal's crazy expensive watch. Not even Roger Federer's classy Rolex. Just maybe a MVMT watch -

Even so, it seems far fetched in the recent currency drop. Then you reason with yourself - is it a want or a need? Is it a priority?

to be continued..

Sunday, February 12, 2017

The fifteenth night tradition

Yesterday was Day 15 of CNY - what we usually call Chap Goh Mei, which literally means fifteenth night. It is also known as the chinese Valentine's Day with the tradition of throwing oranges into the river to find love. I have been joking about throwing oranges every year, but this year it finally happened.

Ironic that it had to happen just weeks after the resolution of my almost-found-him sad case. I guess it probably means throwing the orange is an act of faith and hope for a better tomorrow. It is a good reminder to guard my heart tighter against any possible hurt. It means that I am to be stronger and not get easily swayed or conned. It also means that I should not swim oceans for people who do not even bother to cross the bridge for me.

It is going to be Valentine's Day in two days' time. I am glad I sorted out all the rubbish I was going through just at the end of last year. I am glad there is no more what ifs or should I questions. I am contented that I only have myself to worry about - my fitness goals, my careers and aspirations. 

I said it over and over again. I am alright. I really am.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

To better beginnings

Within a blink of the eye, the first month of 2017 has gone by. Just like that!

CNY has come and (almost) gone too. I have come back to work on CNY Day 7.

To be honest, I was actually dreading this CNY season for a few reason - not wanting to be put out there to be called a leftover single and then the whole world is trying to pair you up. Or even worse, people speculating your love life up down left right centre.

Surprisingly, I think I had quite a good CNY this year.

It started off with Roger Federer winning his 18th Grand Slam at the recent Australian Open - not many could dare to imagine him winning yet another Slam and yet he did it. Bittersweet it should be, it had to be Rafa that he met in the finals. What are the odds! in the year 2017!!

Then the 5am to 7pm drive from Miri all the way to Kuching on CNY Day 3. I took part in the driving - did some 3 hours plus of driving on the trunk road and find it really exhausting and butt-flattening experience.

 Us girls on Day One CNY


Managed to squeeze a meet up with Un and Maddie

Customary atas dinner for Federer's win - this time at Zinc

Visiting CK

Bing coffee will always hold a nostalgic place in my heart

Friends commented that I looked happier and more radiant these days. Little do they know what crap I was going through, I guess the more I try to smile, the more genuine it has become and who knows? I may just be happier after all these that happened.

So, if you're wondering..

Saturday, January 21, 2017


This shall be my last #addfish post.

It is funny when I wanted to say everything just ended officially when it never really started anyway. I clarified and found out that he changed his mind to give this a shot. He reasoned that we had different ideas about relationships and marriage - and that chatting on Whatsapp and meeting up for a trip would not be able to convince him a lifelong commitment. I agreed, but deep inside myself, I felt that he probably got a little bored of me. Not only his mind has changed, I think his feelings changed too.

Things that I learnt

1. Negative vibes 
I was given the comment that I am a negative person and always pull myself down. People get that negative vibe from you.

I suppose this is part of my personality. I am indeed a pessimist from the start of days. My coping mechanism incorporates this pessimism to give myself no hope no disappointment. I know it is a bad vibe and I should probably change. But I would like to argue that one should never be too sure of things. It is best to expect the worst but get a good outcome. Also, my rebuttal was - I was positive we could make it happen but look at what happened..

Having said that, I would like to improve myself and the vibe after this incident. My resolution is to be more positive and come what may.

2. Discipline, not motivation
One good thing I get out of this rubbish is discipline in terms of working out. There is no doubt I have weight struggles all my life involving hormones. He gave me the drive to work out initially, but after he is gone, I want to continue the discipline. Like he said, discipline and not motivation. The work is hard and the rewards are small.

I hope that after this is all over, I should continue to work out and work even harder. Yes.

3. Do not trust anyone, even yourself
My gravest mistake