Saturday, January 21, 2017

Fin

This shall be my last #addfish post.

It is funny when I wanted to say everything just ended officially when it never really started anyway. I clarified and found out that he changed his mind to give this a shot. He reasoned that we had different ideas about relationships and marriage - and that chatting on Whatsapp and meeting up for a trip would not be able to convince him a lifelong commitment. I agreed, but deep inside myself, I felt that he probably got a little bored of me. Not only his mind has changed, I think his feelings changed too.

Things that I learnt

1. Negative vibes 
I was given the comment that I am a negative person and always pull myself down. People get that negative vibe from you.

I suppose this is part of my personality. I am indeed a pessimist from the start of days. My coping mechanism incorporates this pessimism to give myself no hope no disappointment. I know it is a bad vibe and I should probably change. But I would like to argue that one should never be too sure of things. It is best to expect the worst but get a good outcome. Also, my rebuttal was - I was positive we could make it happen but look at what happened..

Having said that, I would like to improve myself and the vibe after this incident. My resolution is to be more positive and come what may.

2. Discipline, not motivation
One good thing I get out of this rubbish is discipline in terms of working out. There is no doubt I have weight struggles all my life involving hormones. He gave me the drive to work out initially, but after he is gone, I want to continue the discipline. Like he said, discipline and not motivation. The work is hard and the rewards are small.

I hope that after this is all over, I should continue to work out and work even harder. Yes.

3. Do not trust anyone, even yourself
My gravest mistake

Sunday, January 15, 2017

To love

This is my first post for the year 2017.

Within less than two months, my life had a whirlwind sort of turn. It was the least expected of all things - happened so fast and died a little too prematurely as well.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

This is a quote I really should have held on. But I did not. I have been guarding my heart so well for the past half a decade or so. I failed this time. I truly failed. For this, I have no excuses. Now, the heart has been wrung and possibly broken.

How do I deal it as a 30-something?

I am no longer the naive, vulnerable 25-year-old who got so trapped and bonded emotionally. I always think that I could handle things much better now that I have grown older and (hopefully) more mature. I started off this whole 'fling' thinking it is a just a fling. I played along because I thought, hey what is the harm, it is just for fun. Curiosity on both sides. I thought this so-called fling would just be a fun idea for a boring spinster working and studying whole day long. I thought it could just make me laugh once in a while. No strings attached.

A small part of me, however, knew that I should still be cautious. I have had bad histories of being broken by people - should have known better. I attempted to clarify a few times but never reached any clear statement. Maybe we talked too much too early into getting to know each other. Imagine something like 27423 lines everyday over whatsapp. We divulged into so many areas of life that I never thought a guy would discuss with me. Some things warmed me up. In the midst of it all, my sleep deprivation piled on, yet the smiles lighted on my face. It was really fun, maybe just on my side. For the first time in years, I actually felt that I really had to look at the phone hoping it was him who replied.

No, it did not last long. Perhaps we just fizzled out. Or, him getting bored of me. Or, the fact that he had a good think of every thing and decided no. Soon enough, the good mornings and good nights become less. They disappeared last night. For the first time in almost two months, I went to bed without the good night. The emojis become less and less each day. Soon, it would just be.... nothing.

Maybe I have been wrong about myself. Some things, once started, form a habit. A habit so hard to break. When the absence starts filling in, a piece of you die.. and every time I think of it, I die a little.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Indeed.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Hello, last day of the year

This is not my first time working on the last day of the year, celebrating New Year's Day at work that sort. 

It is, indeed, 31st December 2016, and before we even blink one eye, we are in 2017. Pretty impressive. No?

The last month of the year has been a tumultuous month for myself. I do not even know where to begin. I still have a major exam to settle (will be done in 11 days' time! yahoooo) but aside from the exam which costs me RM3383, there is so much more happening in my personal life than I have ever imagined. I begin to question my own sanity most days. Some things feel surreal, yet some feel unreal. I let myself float for awhile in happiness and imaginations. But after they are all gone, I come back to ground zero and wonder...

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF.




















For the first time in my life, I received a beautiful bouquet of roses (count: a dozen of them) on 20 December as a Christmas gift from a friend whom excites yet confuses me at times. I feel that I have grown irrational most days but when I am not, I find that it is sad because we are bound by all these circumstances that make things impossible.

So, yes. Today is the last day of 2016. I am not sure if this time next year would I even have such confusion.. or back to my cynical self.

Who knows?

This time last year I do not think I would have even the slightest idea that I would be where I am today. 

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

When I started 2016

Only a fortnight or so before we end this year and usher in the new year 2017.

It feels surreal to think that we are that close to the so-called wawasan 2020. It does not feel real at all. 

When I started 2016, I was working in the Heart Centre, it was like a refuge for me. I hated it in the beginning but I grew to really love it two months in and when I was leaving the place, I felt so heavy hearted.

When I started 2016, I did not one time even suspected that I would be transferred away from my comfort zone, the very place I started my career - that old, tattered hospital which caught fire twice in my very short career there. I genuinely thought I was in the low-risk group as I have missed the boat once in 2015. But little did I know, I got selected rather randomly and unexpectedly, defying all the norms in the department.

When I started 2016, I never thought I would lose my friend Sylvia. She was my fourth and fifth form bestie in school and we used to talk over the phone for hours over I-dont-even-remember-what-topics. We were always the two chosen girls to be the one who pin flowers on VIPs on formal occasions. Our friendship suffered a strain in our earlier twenties but we patched up rather well and became close following the last few years of her life. I never thought she would leave this year. Never. Ever. Not even close.

When I started 2016, I did not think I would fall for someone again. I even reached a point I actually questioned myself if I had lost interest in men altogether (yes, scary I know). I did not once think it would ever happen anymore and secretly celebrating my carefree, independent life as a woman in her thirties. A month short of 2017, I started to doubt myself.


Friday, November 25, 2016

A month to Christmas

It has become a habit for me to sigh and say how time flies. It is again, the time of the year where we try to wrap things up and prepare a whole list of resolution for next year. It has since become customary for me to also 'wrap things up' and list down my so-called resolutions for next year.

Last year I wrote here in a Christmas and Resolution post.

Since I foresee a busy December ahead, I am going to pen down now.

The quick list I had last year for my 2016 was -

1. Workout to strengthen, to tone and to be fit - aside from losing some weight, hopefully - No weight lost but at least I am sort of on track with my home workout videos
2. Actively studying for an exam Yes, doing it now
3. Start putting on some make up - No, only still the brows
4. Sleep less (slightly far fetched) - I think this showed an exponential improvement only since 4 days ago
5. Tend to the garden a bit - Nope, I ended up shockingly being transfered to a small district in August
6. Convert another 10k to GBP possibly - Nope, found myself tied down with loan commitment
7. Go for a Turn Thirty Trip - OH YESSSSS!!! BALI!
8. Eat more kimchi-based meals - sort of, and kind of - Just had kimchi soup yesterday for dinner!
9. Watch more good quality movies - Hard to say this one..
10. Conquer the IJV CVL insertion - Not great but definitely improved from last year
I have a month left in this year and two major exams upcoming...

This month also marks the first time I went back to Kuching after being transfered for a wedding where I had the honour to become the MOH/sole bridesmaid ...






Who would have thought?

Anyway -

My 2017 resolutions...

*quick thoughts*

1. Pass a professional paper (or at least a part of it)
2. Continue to work out and improve on my stamina
3. Shoot more YouTube videos for fun
4. Drink a lemon/apple cider vinegar/cinnamon/cayenne pepper drink every morning (been doing it for few months)
5. Play more piano
6. Get transfered back to the hometown
7. Figure out if I really want to do anaesthetics
8. Learn at least the supraclavicular block
9. Be more confident at my ultrasound skills
10. Maybe fall in love again (a little skeptical about this nowadays)