Thursday, August 6, 2015

Speaking of distraction

I just renewed my diver's license for my 12th year driving.

And I crashed a motorcycle. Thump!

Funny how sometimes you drive and you get really close calls, you play it over and over again in your mind imagining it happening. Then one day, it happened when you just least expect it to.

When it happens, it happens too fast. I could not even remember how I reacted. This brief encounter would haunt me for life. I dare not even imagine.

Need a little bit of distraction

Following my previous title, I have started putting in a little more effort into my rather mundane life. I brought a book to work! Yay!
Today's title is a little bit of 'distraction'. I suppose a distraction perhaps can spice up my life a little? The last time I had a single distraction was probably half a decade ago. Nowadays, I am hardly distracted. Yet, I am still not focused. Such oxy moron I am, truly.
I dug out my box of letters, cards and post cards. I found some confession letters from a possible 'distractor'. I read through all three long letters and came out with a conclusion.
Sorry. I apologise for sounding rude and loud.
Maybe this is the absolute truth. Guys really only care about looks. Physical bits. If you are fat and unflattering like my current self , you would just end up having no distraction. The content of the letters I received was all about wow, actually you are very pretty yada yada yada. I wanna pursue you because you are really beautiful.

Ya. Ya. Ya. Whatever. Alright, so I paraphrased it. But the gist is there. Period.
On another side of things, distractions may blind you and lead you into a string of heartbreaks.
So really... Is a distraction required at this point in my life?

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Need a little bit of direction

I have put off studying for at least six months. That is half a year, so to speak! With my two new editions of Peter Kam and T Peck, I really have no excuse not to start reading.

So, what have I accomplished in these six months of slacking?

Ashamed to say, I did not even read my collection of novels, nor practise on my cheap digital piano. Instead, I was probably wasting my time scrolling through Facebook and spinning on Slotomania. I watched a fair bit of TV and movie on the iPad, attempted cooking baking recently (but failed awfully) and still trying to work out and lose weight. I lost 1 kg and managed to squeeze back into my size 10 DP jeans, if that is considered an achievement.

Not so much of accomplishment, eh?

It is already August. While I am getting nearer and nearer to the big THIRTY, I really need to get a little focus and direction in life. Whether it is career, fitness, health or even relationships. I need to buck up and stop sleeping so much.

I shall come back soon to evaluate ..

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Striking the balance

It is ironic that the once dreamer me who wanted to get married in my twenties has become someone so cynical and a woman of 'no effort'.

I often get comments from my peers telling me to put more effort into socialising and meeting people so that I perhaps, may meet a potential spouse along the way. While I agree that I am getting pretty boring and anti-social these days, I do not thoroughly agree that going out often would land me a husband any time soon.The circle is too small nowadays. Men are either married, engaged or gay.

Putting in the effort?

That, to me, is trying way too hard, being way too desperate. I do not seem to be able to fall for people in situations like that. To me, falling for man is not a voluntary thing. It is unplanned and often enough, not by your own choice. I never choose to fall for Jasper. In fact, I consciously tried to not fall for him. But the heart does not choose to listen to the mind. I fell hard.

It has been so many years and it seems like I am still dwelling in the past. I often think about how silly I was and how cruel he was. On the surface, it seems like I could not move on. I often wonde to myself, why still dwell in the past?

That, I suppose, is the coping mechanism.I had to think and analyse the past because it made me feel that I have let go and moved on. I had to convince myself by revisiting the memories. I often still look back at the photos I keep in my tin box. I wanted those memories to feel real because they actually have started to feel rather unreal these days. Telling my stories felt like telling a fantasy most of the time these days. Nobody would be interested to know the details, obviously. But I like to paint myself the victim. I wanted the memories to last, no matter how painful they were.

Now you must be wondering.. what a pyschotic woman we have got here.

Oh, wait. I think I have digressed again.

I think I initially planned on writing about striking the balance (re: title) between trying and waiting. There are two school of thoughts when it comes to meeting the right person in your life. I have a group of friends who tell me that I should not be desperate because it is the moment you let go and sit back, that is when love comes. Unexpectedly. Just like that. The harder you try, the less likely you would even find anyone.

On the other hand, another group of friends would blatantly tell me that I am never going to get married because all I do is sleep and work. No life, they would say. How do you expect yourself to even meet anyone if you sleep at 9pm everyday?

So.. where do I stand now?

I think I am leaning towards the more 'no effort' side of things. I am contented at having an ipad in bed and a cosy house to live in. I decline dinner plans because I choose to sleep early. I gave up meeting new people because I am just too comfortable being in my own circle of peers.I prefer hanging out with colleagues whom I am familiar with.

I am simply not making enough effort, I know. I do not expect a fairy tale to happen either. I am too tired to even wish to meet a man who may one day be my husband.

This, perhaps.. is a sign..

that I am going to the museum, after all.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Almost thirty

I turned twenty nine few days ago.

It was just like any other day - but it felt rather surreal to have come so far. When I was young, I always envisioned myself in my twenties; definitely not in m thirties. Funny how everything I dreamt of never really came through - except maybe the renovation of my bedroom.

I built so many castles in the air. The reality is that, I am still a struggling doctor. Yes, I managed to graduate with a MBBS from London on a scholarship (which felt so surreal). I live in a decent house. I am able to live within my own means even though I do not earn a lot. I have yet to meet my spouse. Oh, and do not even get me started about my fertility!

However, at this age, I suppose it is all about counting the blessings. It would be a never-ending chase of money, career and relationships. At the end of the day, when everything is swept away, what do we have left?