Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Most of my friends mock me for sleeping so much. I agree that I sleep more than an average thirty year old. However, most do not actually know that at one of my lowest points in life, I was having hypersomnolence as part of my coping mechanism for depression. Little have I realised that the excessive sleeping I have been doing nowadays is a reflection of what I am trying to cope with - the low points in life.
A few days ago, I saw that it was his birthday on facebook. I felt a little nostalgic when memories flashed by my mind. Did he make me a better person? Most people disagreed. I felt that even though I was made so little by him, the few years have made me realise how strong love could be and grow to be. It showed me a glimpse of sacrificial love, a type of love where everything you do is effortless yet so fulfilling - things that keep you going and smiling. A glimpse, I emphasise - because it was only just a glimpse. The big picture was not a pretty one.
So, I choose to sleep. Sleep can make me forget many things. Sleep can allow dreams to seep through and bring me away from reality. I sleep because being awake reminds me of ugly truths which destroy me.
Monday, June 13, 2016
I have become a sluggish sloth and a fat woman. Sad, but true. Without proper monitoring, I have since crept up a couple of kilos on the scale, evidently showing on my swollen stricken face and flabby tummy.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
It was just like any other weekend working day for me, albeit a freer type. I was doing my CME presentation in the computer room when the (almost) Head of Dept popped by and asked me the question that left me speechless.
She asked if I could go to *insert small town's name* for a year.
All of a sudden, I did not know how to react despite my multiple hypothetical questionings and scenarios I have been rehearsing in my mind since last year. I often wondered how would it feel like having to move once more. It was and always have been my greatest phobia having moved so many times to so many places.
It is only hours later it sank into me that all my premonitions before this finally have come through. I suddenly could not concentrate on my 'Managing The Difficult Airway In The Syndromic Child' preparation. I was practically dumbfounded.
Flashes of memories gushed through my mind. I am just about to build a life here. I just got used to the roads in this city. I have just started joining a small group where I felt belonged. I am just about to get used to hoovering and mopping the floor every 10 days in the detached house I live in.
Yet.. this verse just came to me
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
There has been so much going through my mind now that I can't possibly explain everything single detail. Funny thing is, I always mentally compose blog posts while I am driving, promising myself to write them down and publish before those thoughts and feelings disappear. However, I never seem to be able to execute any of the planned posts. At all.
I don't even know where to start.
Suffice to say, there were news that I found out which made me start to wonder if I really should give it another shot at my far fetched anaesthetic career. Patrick Wong's words always echo in my ears every time I thought of giving up. He once told me not to give up because I would be able to do it one day. Do not be scared or timid. Alright, maybe I paraphrased a little but the gist was there. My future seems bleak and my soul so weak (I earnestly prefer watching YouTube videos, reading story books and hanging out with friends over reading and highlighting Stoelting, Peter Kam or TE Peck!), but.. Since I haven't got anything else to go after ie money or family, why not just invest in a career?
Mind you. It is such a conflict in my innerself. There are so many decisions to make and so little time and space for me to even consider. I sometimes wonder if I am able to pull through these tough times. Most of the time I would just prefer to curl in my RM4k-worth TempSmart 2.0 king sized bed and pretend that every thing will be okay.
But nothing seems right. Everything seems wrong. I have decisions to make, paths to plan and tons of textbooks to read and understand.
Yet here I am.. In bed, once again.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Book count this year = 0
Latest film I watched was Joy.
Speaking of joy as the word on its own, I started to ponder - has joy dissipated off from my life?
Why is that I only complain even writing here? Where is that bursts of joy in the heart that make me leap, jump and dance? Where has the joy gone? Why should I be miserable, stressed out and exhausted all the time?
Is there no positive thing at all in my life?
Or do I only find joy sleeping in bed on a rainy day?
I am hitting thirty really soon. I wrote a letter to my thirty self some years ago. I probably should revisit that letter soon. I did not actually envision myself living my life this way, after all. I have lost direction and many times, lost the hope too.
I really should stop watching films on the ipad